Harry Potter and the Parody
by sam-is. AT THE DISCO
Summary: I wrote this as a boredom killer, but it actually turned out to be pretty good. So I wrote more... Yeah...
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Large Amount of Fans who Say this Parody is Great

HELLO!

Yeah, so I was reading that Michael Gurber parody called Barry Trotter and was just disappointed, really. I mean, there is NO excuse for a book based on Harry Potter to be that bad. So, basically, I decided to write my own. And this is it.

But first, a few things you need to know:

I based two new characters on people I know, so I'll just have to tell you a bit about them before you read the story, so you get the entire thing.

LOUISE SCHOLZ – CONWAY 

Louise 'The cheeze' is my best friend! She is totally random, insane and fun and what is in the story, is exactly her!

PROFESSOR STOCK 

This character is based on my English teacher, Mr. Stock. Oh, wonderful Mr. Stock. He has orgasmic fits like, ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME, and he bounces around because he's always REALLY happy.

DEBBIE COWAP 

Debbie is an actual person my friends and I know. She looks EXCEEDINGLY like Snape, himself. She used to have black greasy dripping, shoulder-length black hair, but she died it blonde recently. It went rather wrong mind, because the black was died onto REALLY light brown, when she died it blonde, the top bit of her hair went light blonde, and the rest is GINGER. It's quite amusing really…

So yeah, they're all the new characters.

Many thanks go to Louise, Carys and Lisa for just laughing when they should. And also to Carys for coming up with names! THANK YOU!


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 1: Trunks, Orchids and a little bit of Kinkiness

'GET TO YOUR ROOM!'

'What? You mean my BROOM CUPBOARD!' Harry was getting rather quick-witted now he was a teenager. And had had ample training whilst retaliating to Draco Malfoy. Harry didn't care what he said, but his broom didn't look like Ron because it did NOT have ginger hair.

'What do you mean broom cupboard?' asked Vernon, perplexed and quiet. 'I gave you a room.'

Harry felt his face turn a deep shade of rose and quietly let out an

'Oh yes. I'll go there now' and turned to fire up the stairs into his room.

Harry stayed that shade of utmost embarrassment for exactly 2 weeks, 3 days and 17.52235 hours. For that time, he avoided his uncle Vernon who took it in his stride to hide behind corners and laugh whenever Harry walked round them. By the time Harry had had enough of this behaviour, approximately 4 and a half days into his 2 weeks, 3 days and 17.52235 hours, he decided to leave home. Well, walk around the block a few times until he got hungry and came back for tea. He had been promised cheesy pasta tonight, and he wouldn't miss that for the world! Anyhow, Harry was walking around the block as to make his uncle believe he had run away, but Vernon knew full well that Harry intended on coming back, as he had once heard him talking in his sleep about how much he loved cheesy pasta. Plus every seven minutes or so, he walked past the living room window.

For the 12th time Harry had walked inconspicuously past 4 Privet Drive, Dudley started crying. After 1.2652 seconds of this starting, Harry's aunt Petunia had come waddling into the sitting room wearing those awful house slippers she insisted on modelling and bent down to Dudley and cuddled him.

'What's wrong Duddles? Dudley what's wrong? Tell mummy!'

'My television's has gone funny,' wailed Dudley.

Petunia looked up at the television, which looked completely normal.

'What do you mean Dudders?'

'THE COLOUR!' he screamed at her.

Petunia looked up at the screen and sighed as she was now relieved.

'No, Dudders. That's just the colour of Dale Winton's face.'

To this, Dudley let out even further consistent wailing and Petunia tried to hug him properly, but was impossible for Dudley's stomach got in the way of his shoulders.

Above Petunia's large and somewhat ridiculous hairstyle, Vernon saw Harry stroll past the window dragging his obviously empty trunk behind him for the 13th time. As he oozed off no indication to give up and return home, Vernon felt it his duty and obligation to hide behind the corner of the house and laugh as Harry walked past it for the 14th time.

'You stupid little twat!' Vernon heckled at Harry as he rounded the garden path with a look of infuriation on his face.

'Well, if you hadn't have locked me in a cupboard for most of my life, then I probably wouldn't believe I still lived in one!'

'Not that, you pillock! You just trampled Petunia's extremely rare orchids with your trunk! We paid £53 per petal for those!'

Harry looked at his trunk which indeed, had just trampled the extremely rare, expensive and now dead orchids.

'Well… you shouldn't have planted them there, then, should you?'

'No, probably not, but you know what your aunt's like. She –'

'NOOO! Don't go into detail! I know what she's like, yes. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.'

'It's half past three.'

'I'm fully aware of what time it is.'

'Well, why are you going to bed then?'

Harry answered with a highly suspicious expression crossed with a blank one.

'You dirty little pervert!'

'Shut up.'


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 2: A Very Merry Birthday

At half past five, Vernon had called Harry, or 'Spunk Bag' was what he had actually said, down for tea. Yes, the moment had come. Cheesy pasta was waiting. Harry limbered down stairs and sat down at the table in his chair.

'Nice wank?'

'VERNON!'

'Petunia, he's 17, he wanks every now and then.'

'Not at the dinner table.'

'Well, I dunno.' He turned to Harry. 'You wank at the dinner table, boy?'

'No,' answered Harry through gritted teeth.

'Vernon, you know that's not what I meant.'

'There's nothing to wank over at the dinner table,' interrupted an arguing Harry.

'Are you saying,' asked Petunia with an angry gnome-like creature trying to break out of her horse-like face, 'that I am not a sexy little biotch?'

To this, Dudley dropped his fork with a clank and covered his ears with his balloon-like hands, and Vernon looked like he was going to throw up. Would Petunia find out that he had been lying to her all these years? Dudley and Vernon looked at Petunia as though hell had just dropped out of her mouth, and Petunia looked at Harry as though she was breathing hell out through her nose. Harry looked around at everyone. He was positively amused. This moment lasted around five minutes, which Harry wisely used to shovel down his delectable cheesy pasta, and charge like a bull to it's flag waver, upstairs to his room.

What did she expect him to say? No she was not a sexy little biotch. She was far from it. At the thought of this, he lied slowly down and pulled his picture of Ginny Weasley out from under his pillow. He might have broken up with her, but he still liked her. He pulled his covers over him and looked longingly at the picture, which, of course, was moving. She was waving at him. He pathetically waved back for no reason at all and at this moment, Vernon pelted (to us it would have been walking relatively fast, but he was old and fat) into the room.

'Sorry to interrupt, Spunky b-'

'I'M NOT WANKING!'

'You're not? How come?'

'Because I've still got the image of Aunt Petunia in a corset stuck in my head!' Harry tried to yell but it wasn't all too loud as he was fighting the temptation to be sick.

'Oh, don't get me started! I'm gonna shout at you. HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A THING? SHE IS A SEXY LITTLE BIOTCH! AND SHE'S BLOODY GOOD IN BED, AS WELL!' By this time, Harry was more or less being sick but still trying not to be as he rather enjoyed his cheesy pasta and would quite like to keep it. 'I'M SURPRISED YOU'VE RESISTED TRYING TO SUDUCE HER FOR SIXTEEN YEARS –' The cheesy pasta, had indeed, left the building. Harry had chucked it out of the window; right on top of the orchids he had trampled with his trunk earlier.

'Arse.'

'HER AR-'

'Don't.'

'OK. You've suffered enough,' Vernon left, thank god, and left Harry contemplated whether to follow his dinner out of the window. He heard a voice in his head saying, 'Do it, boy!'

'I know that's you, Uncle Vernon,' said Harry, annoyed. The voice kept talking.

'It's not Vernon. My name is James. I am your father.'

At this, Harry walked swiftly to the door and wrenched it open. There stood Vernon obviously cooing at the door.

'That's not funny,' said Harry.

'Well, it was a b-'

'NO IT WASN'T!' Harry slammed the door and sat down on the bed. This was his second worst birthday he'd ever had. It was second to the time Dudley sat on him, winded him, and he probably should have gone to hospital, but no one took him, so every now and then he got crippling pains in his stomach, something Draco Malfoy liked to say were period pains, but they were worse than them!


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 3: The Bus Don't Go To Hogwarts, You GoTst To Take The Train

When Harry arrived at platform nine, which he had only been able to arrive at because Vernon wanted to escape Petunia's high-pitched whining about how old she was getting, he saw Ron's over-orange mop and sprinted towards him. Vernon followed. Only, he didn't sprint, he merely dawdled. By the time Vernon had caught up with Harry and Ron, they were in mid-conversation and Ron was talking about Lord of the Rings.

'It's just not realistic enough,' he had said before noticing that the world's light had been blocked out by Harry's uncle Vernon. Harry turned around to whom he hoped had been Hagrid, but was rather disappointed to see that it was the man who had made him throw up out of his window after driving him to attempt to leave home.

'Why are you still here?' he asked. He didn't mean to be rude, he just wondered.

'Just making sure you get onto the train OK.'

'Why would you do that? Plus you can't because muggles can't get through the barrier.' Harry also mentioned in his head that even if Vernon wasn't a muggle, he still couldn't get through the barrier. Mainly because he probably wouldn't fit.

'Well, then I'll make sure you get through the barrier OK, and I want to make sure you're OK. You're in my care.'

'No, I'm not. I'm a legal adult in the Wizarding world.' Harry knew that the only reason Vernon wouldn't leave was because he didn't want to return to his wife.

'I'll leave then, shall I?'

Harry nodded. Vernon left. But Harry couldn't help noticing, very slowly. Very slowly, indeed.

When Uncle Vernon had completely gone, some half an hour later, Ron started talking again.

'I didn't think you were coming back this year, Harry. I thought you were going to find Voldemort's Horcruxes and finish him off.'

'I was, but… well, I got scared, OK. The biggest mass murderer a part from Hitler and Stalin – who were muggles,' he added at Ron's perplexed expression, 'I got rather chilly feet.'

'But he will continue murdering until you kill him.'

'Well, I'll do it later! Stop harassing me! Harasser!'

'Sorry, Harry.'

'You will be!'

'I already am.'

'Are you arguing with me?'

'No, I'm simply saying –'

'Stop arguing with me.'

'I'm not.'

'Yes you are! I'm going to put a stop to this once and for all!'

'Go on, then.'

'I will.'

'Go on, then.'

'Don't push me!'

'Just –'

'MY AUNT IN A CORSET!'

'NOOOOOOOOOO!' Ron shuddered in clear emotional, and probably physical pain. 'What the HELL did you do that for? Doesn't that disgust you?'

'Yeah, but I've made by myself immune to it. I'm going to use it against Draco Malfoy.'

'But Draco Malfoy doesn't know what your aunt looks like.'

'Are you arguing with me?'

'No, I was simply say-'

'I WILL put a stop to this!'

'No, don't put a stop to it!'

Ron had been reduced to trying to curl up in a ball but standing on one leg at the same time. He looked rather peculiar. Rather like a flamingo.

'So, about Voldemort…' he continued as though nothing had happened and returning to normal height, although, obviously still crippled at the thought of Harry's aunt wearing a corset.

'Well, I thought I'd learn to apparate, finally, take my invisibility cloak into Hogsmeade, and then apparate to wear the Horcruxes may be!'

'Oh my God! You are a genius! Thank you for being my best friend!'

'Aren't you forgetting something?' Yes, it is Hermione's monotonous drone.

'What?' said Harry.

'The fact, that maybe, I don't know, you need to find out where the Horcruxes are FIRST.'

Harry turned to face her.

'Yes I did forget that, but I can solve it. So there,' he said, sticking his tongue out at her.

'How?'

'It's a secret! And you can't know!' retaliated Harry after some consideration.

'Why not?' asked Hermione looking hurt.

'Because you're a girl. And girls have cooties!'

Ron had to stick his nose in somewhere and Harry was glad it was here, because he wouldn't have known what to say. He agreed in a child-like manner and then felt Mrs Weasley shove him through the barrier onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters. When he had noticed the change of scenery, he pulled a confused face and then felt his trunk fly into him as he did a matrix-style fall. Well, it was normal speed, but everything else was the same. So, it was, in actual fact, a normal fall with over exaggerated facial expressions.

Ron casually walked through the barrier after Harry's trunk and then toppled right over it, slid down it and landed right on top of Harry. Yes, in a sex position. At that precise moment, Draco Malfoy felt the overwhelming urge to turn round and see this rather amusing scene.

'_Ron and Harry sitting in a tree…_'

'Fuck off, Malfoy!' Ron's answer to everything.

Draco pulled a face to show he had just been disgustingly insulted by Ron's comment, and yelled back: 'Fuck off yourself, batty boi!' Draco's mum gasped and walloped him around his silky blonde head and his Grandmother fainted. 'Is she dead?' Draco asked, excitedly.

'No, just unconscious. I'll hear about this when I get home, y'know,' replied Narcissa.

'I'm sorry, mummy. But he told me to "fuck off".'

'I know, darling. I don't blame you for what you did. You were pushed to it.'

Narcissa and Draco fell into a deep hug and didn't emerge from it for around ten seconds later. At this scene, Harry and Ron burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter, and therefore collapsed further into each other. Draco and his mother broke free only to see what looked like Harry and Ron getting even closer.

'Batty bois!' Draco called. 'Gay boys! Homosexuals!'

'Turd burglars!' Draco spun around in horror to find that it really was his mother who shouted that.

'What? I hate the Weasleys, too.'

The final calling for the train sounded. In the process of getting up, Ron accidentally kneed Harry in the balls and so Harry unfortunately had to limp to the train.

'Well, Harry should have been better prepared to go through the barrier. He knew we were coming back to school today,' Hermione said to Ron after he had told her what happened. Harry would have told her but his voice was unusually high-pitched and he was massaging himself as if this would cause his genitals less pain.

'Harry stop rubbing so hard. It'll just hurt more,' said Ron with a sorry expression.

Harry tried to answer but found his voice wouldn't let him.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 4: The Return of the Enemy

'Well, I am sorry to hear of your discomfort, Potter, but there is nothing I can do. Now, go and play Quidditch like a good boy,' Professor McGonagall answered him with a scowl after he had recounted the story. She had never been too caring. And what did she mean "good boy"? Harry could be a very bad boy if he wanted. And anyway, Harry couldn't play Quidditch in case his balls did actually fall off, which seemed rather likely.

He went up to the Gryffindor common room, where a number of people, including Ginny, asked why he was limping in a rather peculiar fashion. He wished not to unravel the story of what had happened, if they hadn't seen then they didn't need to know. Harry told them he had gastric flu and had to go to bed right away in case he died. Had he actually known what gastric flu was, then he would have told a different lie, like he had swallowed a caterpillar which had invaded his sandwich from Sainsbury's. But instead he had to deal with 'having' gastric flu for a week or so. What was even more annoying, Ron had left his mark. Harry looked like he had been using a penis enlarger on the wrong thing and now his balls were enormous.

The next day, in Defence Against the Dark Arts, Harry was glad to see a different face teaching the class. Last year had been terrible. Snape had them writing 4 parchment essays on basically nothing. The new teacher was rather enthusiastic and seemed a bit scary with his likeness for school. Professor Stock had 53 and a half orgasmic fits that lesson and 53 of them were down to Hermione. The half was caused my Seamus bending down to pick up his quill and Stock becoming a bit too excited.

Stock had not set them too much homework, just a spot of research on Voldemort, which Harry had already done in his head within the first 9 seconds of it being set. Potions on the other hand, was one hell of a lot worse. They entered the classroom to see black, greasy hair oozing down a long head, and the thin posture to which the head belonged, was wearing tight, black robes. At first, Harry thought it was the person the _Prophet _had named the most ugly person in the world, Debbie Cowap, but it was much worse. But on the looks side, a bit better. Not much, but a bit. Professor Snape had returned. And come to think of it, so had Draco. Harry put up his hand to ask the question 'Why have you returned?' Not that he felt that they were a threat, just because he generally wanted to know.

'What do you mean, "returned"? I never left,'

'Yes you did! I saw you with my own ear- I mean eyes!'

'I don't know what you're talking about, Potter.'

'You ran away with that thing (he swung his arm round to point at Draco and narrowly missed Ron's head) after killing Dumbledore!' Harry was becoming more enraged by the second.

'What the hell are you talking about? Dumbledore is upstairs, in his office getting drunk. No one killed anyone, Potter. That is a pretty pathetic attempt of a rumour seeing as Dumbledore can be heard singing and prancing around the corridors late at night. Now Potter, please remove that balloon from your trousers so we can begin.'


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 5: The Pervertedness of the Kids at Hogwarts

Harry had to endure a lot of stick thanks to Ron and his overly hard kneecaps. Hermione told him countless times to go to the hospital wing and get it all sorted and what not, 'She can reduce your testicles to the size of a pound coin,' she had said.

'I'm outraged!' retorted Harry. 'My balls were at least twice the size of that!'

'Probably three,' Ron agreed.

Harry nodded what Ron said at Hermione who had a disbelieving look on her face.

'Well, go and get Madam Pomfrey to fix them, then.'

'No,' Harry said at once, but quietly.

'Why not?'

Ron answered Hermione for Harry.

'God Hermione, some men like to keep stuff private! I don't like people seeing my sock collection, Seamus doesn't like people seeing his armpit hair and Harry doesn't like people seeing his balls, alright!'

'Thank you, Ron,' Harry said calmly.

'It's just because they're not very big,' argued Hermione.

'THEY'RE BIGGER THAN YOURS!' Harry threw back at her.

'I haven't got any!'

'Yes you have! You're a man, Hermione!'

The whole common room and fallen silent and Harry looked round.

'What? You can't say you didn't think she was.'

The whole room uttered in agreement. Even the people in the portraits had a look of triumph on their faces. Hermione got to her feet and looked around in disgust.

'Well, you lot are all… you're all gay! I AM a girl, and I'm going to the library so I don't have to be around you!'

Ron shouted back at her from inside the common room.

'DON'T USE LONG WORDS! IT CONFUSES US!'

The next day, Hermione came and sat with Harry and Ron at breakfast. She didn't speak but it was clear that she was pretending nothing was wrong.

'I'm not a man,' she said, after about ten minutes.

'Prove it,' answered Ron.

Hermione threw her cutlery down onto her plate, turned round on the bench, grabbed Ron's hands and placed them firmly on her chest.

'SEE!'

Ron groped around for a while and then decided that maybe she wasn't a man, but would still need further proving. Harry on the other hand, had gotten up and ran down the great hall and out through the door, lugging his balls between his legs. When he got out of the door, he fell to his knees then to his side and laughed like he had never laughed before. This was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his history of seeing funny things. He then felt a strange sensation on his legs and looked down.

'I seem to have soiled myself. I may need to tuck my trousers into my socks.'

He did so.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 6: The Plaster Causes Pain

The weekend came as no shock to Harry as he had just endured Friday, which leads onto Saturday. He was thinking about going outside and messing around on his broom, but Ron reminded him he probably shouldn't. Although he wished he had been through the pain of that than listened to Hermione shout 'HOSPITAL WING' in a very loud voice, which was frightening Luna Lovegood. She was always in mid-conversation with someone who wasn't Harry whenever she shouted it. Harry felt like shouting back, 'Yeah, you should go there to sort out your tourettes!' But didn't because he knew she was right. With a sigh, he got up and flopped down to the hospital wing.

Madam Pomfrey wasn't surprised to see him; in fact, she looked as though she'd been expecting him. Harry went into great detail of what had happened as she kept pulling a puzzled face whenever he skipped a detail. After he had endured the whole story again, Madam Pomfrey adopted an extremely business-like manner and told him lie down on the bed. As soon as he did, she pointed her wand at his crotch and his flies unzipped themselves. As she turned around he let out a scream and tried to jump up but belts came flying out from under the bed and strapped him down. She turned back around with an enormous syringe in her hand and a look of vengeance on her face. Through out the whole school a scream that belonged to a Mister Harry Potter haunted the corridors and also broke several windows in the hospital wing.

'Couldn't she have used magic?' asked Ron looking at Harry, whose genitals how had plaster around them.

'YES!' shouted Harry.

'How's he doing?' came Hermione's voice from behind the door.

Harry had not permitted anyone except Ron to come into his dormitory and see him. Especially her.

'Fuck off, Hermione! You made me do this! They could have just heeled by themselves!'

Hermione sighed and started to walk down the stairs back to the common room.

'Hermione,' Harry called after her.

'Yeah!' called Hermione, running back upstairs.

'You're a man!'

Ron burst into laughter, which caused him to feel light-headed. He fell forwards and head-butted Harry's plaster. They both screamed in pain.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 7: Harry's lie, Draco's German Uncle and an Invisibility Cloak

Seeing as Harry could not go to classes, as his lower end couldn't move, Hermione had taken it upon herself to bring him all of his homework.

'How did you know what classes I had?' asked Harry, annoyed.

'I threatened Ron with the Imperious Curse so that he'd get me your timetable from your bag.'

'I can't believe you did that! You ball-ruining cow! Get out!'

Hermione left quickly. She stuck her head back round the door and said that she'd get Harry some food from dinner. Harry had pulled a 'get out of my room' face and Hermione did so. Why is she so annoying?

Ron dawdled into the room just as Harry was deciding how to kill Hermione, and then he remembered Ron.

'What kind of funeral do you want?' he asked, sarcastically.

Ron looked at him, dazed and confused.

'Are you paying?'

'No! I'm going to kill you and throw you into the lake with the mermaids and the sea-monster, you… you… DEBBIE COWAP!'

Ron gasped as though it was his last breath. He had a look of pain, offence and as though someone had just stolen his last pair of socks on his face. He obviously could not believe what Harry had just thrown at him. Voldemort himself probably wouldn't have believed it if it had been thrown at him. Ron kept the same facial expression glued to Harry but got changed from his robes, into more robes because he had ruined his last ones in Potions by squirting a caterpillar at himself and marched out of the common room, slamming the door behind him. A moment later, he marched back in, with the same facial expression singed to Harry, picked up his ruined robes and march back out again, slamming the door behind him. Again.

An hour or so later, Ron came back, with the same face he had left with.

'Have you been doing that for the whole time?' Harry asked.

'Yes,' said Ron, not letting his face break the mould.

'Doesn't it hurt?'

'Considerably,' replied Ron, still not moving.

'Then why are you still doing it?'

'Because I-' Ron broke out of that expression and put on his thinking pose, but then yelped in pain of changing his face. 'Ow! Draco's uncle's here,' he added casually.

'What? Who's his uncle? Is he as bad as mine?'

'Some guy called Flick, I think. He's German. Who'd have thought Draco was half German?'

'Dunno. It's not like he has similar tendencies to Germans.'

'Huh?'

'Oh, right, you don't know about the Nazis, never mind. Carry on.'

'He err… he doesn't talk much. Neither was Draco.'

'Hmmm….' Harry strolled of bed, stretched and rummaged around in his trunk for his invisibility cloak.

'Wait a minute,' said Ron, 'you're bed ridden.'

'No I just pretended I was so that I didn't have to do homework for a while. Only Hermione and you kind broke that for me. Thanks, mate.'

'Sorry.'

'You will be!'

'I am.'

'Are you arguing with me?'

'No, I'm simply saying –'

'Stop arguing with me.'

'I'm not.'

'Yes you are! I'm going to put a stop to this once and for all!'

'Nooo! Don't do that!'

'Sorry.'

'Hmmm…' Ron wasn't all too convinced he meant this, but still. 'What are you looking for?'

'Invisibility cloak.'

'Why?'

'So I can spy on Draco and his uncle.'

'Why?'

'Feel like it.'

'Can I come?'

'Why?'

'Feel like it.'

'Sure.'


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 8: TRUMPS!

Draco's uncle was indeed called Flick, Otto Flick, and he was indeed from Germany. He had a rather strange limp on one leg. He wore black robes and gold-rimmed glasses. He had his hair loosely gelled back, gleaming cold blue eyes and he spoke with the thickest accent Harry had ever heard. He didn't look like a wizard. In fact, Harry wouldn't have been surprised if he wasn't one at all. He seemed very suspicious; perhaps more than what is healthy. It was lucky Harry and Ron had the invisibility cloak.

They followed Draco and his uncle down into the dungeons, through the Slytherin common room, and into Draco's dormitory, of which, he had ordered everyone else out. Draco looked up at his clock that said nine thirty, which had obviously been made by either Pansy Parkinson or Draco, himself. The face of the clock was Draco's own wearing a very cheesy smile. The hands of the clock were simple black strips but had blinking red hearts at the ends of them. Harry tried not to let out a rather large snorting laugh that had just invaded his body. In his attempt to do this, he accidentally let out a great rumble of a fart that bellowed through the whole room, most defiantly through the common room and at least half way through the school. Even the invisibility cloak blew out from behind Harry and Ron when it happened, and for a moment or two after. Harry returned to his deepened shade of humiliation that he knew his uncle Vernon would have been crying at for least three hours. He looked at Ron who was now giving Harry a disapproving look and fanning air away from his face. Harry turned away to see Draco pulling an extremely mystified face.

'What was that?'

'Sorry about that,' replied Flick.

Harry sighed in relief. Then felt alarmed. Flick thought that was him?

'I appear to have let one rip without noticing. I am deeply sorry.'

'Well, don't do it again, you filthy cherub.'

'Draco, I know I ooze heavenly-ness, but I am not a cherub.'

Harry was confused by Draco's attempted insult, but then remembered Flick. You gotta hand it to the Germans, thought Harry, they are evil but they sure cover for you when you let one rip. Harry tried to cover a very faint laugh that was so faint, it might as well have not happened. But Harry's anal glands let out another thunderous trump that was nearly as loud as the first.

'Jesus Christ, man!' retorted Draco at his uncle.

'I'm sorry, young nephew. Do you, by any chance, have a cork?'

'Err… yes! Hang on, I always keep one handy!' Draco rummaged around in his draw in his beside table for a minute or so. When he remerged, he looked frustrated and annoyed. 'Sorry. I can't find it. Crabbe must have stolen it again.'

'Oh, that's OK. Anyway, why did you bring me here?'

'Because I need your help, uncle Otto –'

'Please, call me Herr Flick!'

'Oh, OK, Herr Flick… I want to start my own business, but I want to get rich QUICK!'

'You want a brothel, then?'

'Yes. Yes, I do.'

'Well, that's simple enough. Get Miss Parkinson (he pointed a picture pinned to Draco's bed. It was of Pansy Parkinson in a corset. Harry and Ron cringed in fright) and tell her you want her for sex, and then get all her friends to join in, and then put up flyers around the school. Simple.'

'That's genius!'

'But remember, you need an alias.'

'Right… would 'Pimp Draco' be OK?'

'Marvellous!'


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 9: It's a Secret, No one Knows

It was breakfast at Hogwarts on the following Saturday morning. Hermione had plastered her look of arrogance on her face again, Ron was having a race with Seamus to see who could eat fifteen bowls of Co Co Pops the quickest and Harry was still glowing with embarrassment. Most of the school were talking about the thunderous growl they had heard the previous night. Dean Thomas had come up to Harry earlier that morning and said:

'Did you hear that haunting? The 'Most Haunted' crew would have a field day, here!'

'Oh yeah!' Harry replied. 'I know! Plus they'd have extra fright from Dumbledore when he's drunk. Jesus Christ! That man has got stamina to dance!'

'Really? I thought that was just a story.'

'No, I saw him last night!'

'Really! Wow!'

Harry was glad to change the subject so subtly. He knew he had to be careful around these areas. But today was a new day, and Harry had made sure his colon was empty before setting foot near any living beings, as he managed to kill, or at least stun a few the night before. Luckily they had all been Slytherins, but he'd have to be extra careful from now on.

Harry had just finished moulding his dried out porridge into what was meant to be a fearful dragon, but looked more like a hamster on wheels with a cigarette in it's mouth, when the morning post arrived. He looked up to see about a thousand more owls than usual streaming in through the open windows of the Great Hall. What is more, being autumn, the owls were malting and all their feathers were fluttering and falling about the room. Harry was nearly absorbed by this sight when he heard incessant screaming coming from the Ravenclaw table.

Luna Lovegood was shouting at the top of her voice and getting up from the table having figurative fits that something Harry could only describe as a spazz attack.

'BIRD FLU! BIRD FLU! THE OWLS! THEY BRING THE BIRD FLU! THEY ALL WANT TO KILL ME! THEY WANT ME DIIIIIEEEE! AAAARRRRAAAAGGGGGHHH!'

At this, Luna ran full pelt into what Harry saw was a huge bubble of plastic and hid herself in there from the owls, even though the bubble was completely transparent.

The entire room went silent for a moment, then most people burst into laughter. Everyone except Hermione, Ron and Harry. Hermione was looking positively concerned for Luna as though she really did have Bird Flu, Harry started to concentrate on his wheeling, smoking porridge hamster again and Ron was playing with his Spongebob Square Pants toy he had got out of a Kinder egg.

That day in Defence Against the Dark Arts, Professor Stock appeared to be recovering from some kind of stroke, but later explained that it was just the shock of seeing a student actually become contaminated with Bird Flu right in front of his eyes, had scared him. What scared the students was that Stock was actually making them take lessons on a Saturday.

Harry heard Draco muttering some words under his breath (which seemed completely stupid because Draco was surrounded by people who could hear him) about what time and where he was meeting his uncle that evening. Harry thought it astonishing that Draco could be so stupid as to just let slip something like that, but hey, Draco was a silly, blonde ponce.

That evening, Harry and Ron left the common room at nine twenty-five under the invisibility cloak. Draco was meeting Flick at nine thirty, conveniently right outside the Gryffindor common room. They waited for a few minutes. Ron just had to make sure, though.

'Harry?'

'Yeah?'

'Do you need the toilet?'

'No, Ron. My arse is empty and controlled.'

'Good.'

Flick came hobbling along, and Draco came strutting from the opposite direction. They both met each other and then set off for the Slytherin common room and Harry and Ron followed. On the way, however, a shiny thing on the floor amazed Ron and Harry. They stopped and looked at it for a good hour or so and then realised it was just a sweet wrapper. A toffee Quality Street if I have my facts correct. They set off again, only to realise that they had lost Draco and Flick.

'Balls,' said Harry.

By the time Harry and Ron had got to the Slytherin dungeons, remembered the password from what Draco had said yesterday, run into the common room and half way up the stairs, they saw Flick heading back down them. Harry and Ron had missed their meeting. They will never know what was said unless someone took minutes. And what kind of sick person does that? They pressed themselves against the wall and held their breath as Flick passed, which took a long time as he has a limp, remember. By the time he had gone, Harry and Ron breathed again, man, they were happy to be alive, and started to head back down the stairs. They only stopped a few seconds later because they heard a noise, almost music, coming from the dormitory. They turned and walked back up and listened at the door. They heard Crabbe shout from behind them:

'Draco! What is that?'

The music stopped abruptly and Draco opened the door to the dormitory so Harry and Ron snuck in.

'It was… erm… 50 cent…'

Draco walked out of the dormitory and banged the door behind him. Harry and Ron threw off the cloak, which was making them sweat slightly.

'Do you really think that was 50 cent?' asked Harry.

'No…' said Ron, lost in deep thought (which was unfamiliar territory). 'I know that song… it's-'

At this precise moment, Ron leapt into the middle of the room, the beds and all the furniture moved away to the edges; stage lights came down from the ceiling and started beaming different colours and music bellowed in from Draco's wall clock.

'MMMBOP! BET YOU ARE, TOO RIGHT, DOOWOP, DOOWOP-A-DOOOOWOP, DOWOP A DOOOO… YEAH-Y-YEAH!…'

While Ron was singing, he was dancing to night fever and then started to rock out to his very own unique and special air guitar. Harry stood at the side, dimly scratching his armpit.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 10: WHOOPING COUGH

The following morning, Harry was still pretty peed off that he hadn't been able to hear what Draco and his uncle were talking about. Ron pointed out to him at breakfast that they'd already found out about the brothel Draco was planning to start up, and that they could just anonymously tell Professor Dumbledore and get Draco to stop, or better, expelled!

'But Dumbledore will tell him it was us!' was Harry's retaliation. He really just wanted to know more about this brothel.

'He won't remember, Harry! We'll just write it down and when he sobers up, he'll remember and attempt to shoot Draco. Look, he tried to kill him last year, Dumbledore ain't gonna take lightly to that!'

'Yeah, about last year, what happened after Draco couldn't kill Dumbledore? I thought Snape came in, killed him himself and then ran away with Draco. Apparently not.'

'No… Dumbledore froze all of those Death Eaters who came in, and then unfroze you whilst sending you a brainwave to beat them all up, except Draco. You turned into some sort of ninja when you took your cloak off, except you spoke with a Scottish accent…' he said, shrugging. 'You kept leaping six foot in the air in karate slash Chinese monk style poses, and then kicked everyone's ass! Except Draco's.' He added sternly. 'You also had the most peculiar facial expressions when you said things like "Hyorrrrrr"! It was hilarious!'

'I see…' replied Harry with a cunning yet thoughtful face. 'Why not Draco?'

'Well, duh! Ol' Dumbledore wanted to finish him for himself!' said Ron, triumphantly.

'Well, he didn't. He's still here! Wouldn't he have expelled him?'

'Well, he was about to, but Draco got him drunk when he took him down Rosmerta's to apologise to her for putting her under the Imperius Curse. She wasn't too pleased,' added Ron, shaking his finger as though telling Harry off like he was a small child.

'Oh, right. So now what?'

'Dunno.'

'Hmmm…'

There was a long pause.

'So, did you have a nice weekend?' asked Ron.

'Erm… it wasn't too bad. You?'

'Well, it had it's ups and downs. Would have preferred to have had spent the whole time playing more tricks on Hermione b-'

'It was you!'

'No, it wasn't. What was?'

'Hermione's breakfast exploding in her face, her ink bottle stalking her and then complaining that she was killing it and using it's blood to feed her brain and of course, turning her pillow into a bag of sprouts, and sprouts are just vile!'

'Yeah, that was me… I don't like Hermione. She's a bit of a bitch.'

'Don't get me started on her. I just wish you'd told me so I could join in and pull some pranks myself.'

'Sorry, mate.'

'You will be.'

'I am now.'

'Are you arguing with me?'

'No, I wa-'

'I'll put a stop to this!'

'Nooo…'

From the other side of the table, Hermione cut in with a deliberate cough to stop Harry and Ron from breathing. Luckily she hadn't heard about the whole prank thing.

'Oh, go to the bloody hospital wing if you've got Whooping Cough again!' shouted Ron.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 11: OUTRAGE!

Christmas came about pretty quickly in Harry's opinion. It was the 20th before he had realised that it was even December.

'OK. Who forgot to tell me it's December already?'

Several people in the common room raised their hands slowly.

'Well, thanks a lot!' shouted Harry.

He went upstairs to his dormitory and collapsed on his bed. Ron followed him up there and perched next to him.

'You realise I have to do all my Christmas shopping in like, three days now, don't you?'

'Yeah,' replied Ron. 'But there is a good point.'

'What could that possibly be?' spat Harry.

'Well, you get to eat 20 chocolates from your advent calendar in one day.'

Harry looked at Ron with an extremely blank expression for around three seconds. All of a sudden he bounded to his feet and started leaping around as though his puppet master had gone insane.

'Woohoo! Lots and lots of chocolate! And themed chocolate, too! You can have traditional Christmas shapes; Disney shapes, groovy chick shapes and of course Barbie shapes! –'

Harry carried on naming all of the different advent calendars he could (which took an extremely long time as his cousin, Dudley had had twenty four calendars one year) until he noticed Ron standing in front of him wearing his coat, gloves, scarf and his new pair of ear muffs Hermione demanded he and Harry wore. The earpieces were gold and tinselly and when your ears got below freezing they began to vibrate slightly to warm then up. Ron's were indeed vibrating.

Harry gave him a look of disgusting coated with a look of 'what the bloody hell are you wearing?' and Ron simply answered with a look of 'yeah, I know'.

'And look,' he said. He reached up to his left earpiece and pressed it. The edges flashed red and green in turn and then the muffs started humming Jingle Bells in a very high-pitched tone, which caused Harry's ears to surrender and try to jump off his head. Harry had to reach to his head and hold them in place for at least two minutes after the hideous noise had stopped. 'Think what that's like for me!' demanded Ron. Harry replaced his hands over his ears.

In Hogsmeade, snow was fluttering around them and settling on their feet in an attempt to smother them in the cold.

'Fucking evil snow!' said Ron.

Harry bought Hermione a wand cleaning kit, or he made one out of some tea towels that were on sale in _Tea Towels 4 You_ and a wooden box he found next to a drainpipe. He bought Ginny an enchanted teddy bear who was holding a heart that said 'I Love You' and Harry could send it messages that it would read aloud to the person who owned him, and he bought Ron a nice new pair of Converse All Stars. They were red and had gold laces. He also bought some wrapping paper after a long discussion with himself in _That's a Wrap!_, he decided on the red roll with pictures of himself all over it. The Wizarding world wasn't half obsessed with him.

Harry left the best thing till last: his advent calendar. Harry found a 'My Little Pony' one; a 'Dennis the Menace' one; a 'Spiderman' one and a 'Wallace and Gromit' one but none of which took his fancy. After a few minutes consideration, he picked up the 'My Little Pony' one but behind it he saw a different one. One he'd never seen before. The most fabulous advent calendar Harry had ever seen. His own face was staring back at him plagued by numbers on doors and writing on his head. 'Contains the most high quality chocolate in the country and has chocolate shapes relating to Harry Potter himself.' Harry could scarcely believe his eyes. He picked up the advent calendar and went to pay for it.

Back at the castle, Harry fixed his calendar on the wall above his bedside table. He carefully opened the door marked '1'. Behind it was silver foil, keeping in the freshness of the chocolate behind it. He gently punctured the aluminium and gasped as the smooth brown delight was revealed. He hesitated a moment and then removed the chocolate from it's plastic holder. There, behind the plastic, Harry could see a picture of himself when he had just caught the snitch during a game of Quidditch. He smiled. He looked at his hand that housed the chocolate and turned it over to expose the front. There, on the chocolate, was a picture. It took Harry a moment or two to work out what it was, but then realised it was a candy cane.

'What the-?' exclaimed Harry. 'That's got NOTHING to do with me!' Harry ate it and then opened door number 2. There was a picture of the card of him and Ron pretending to be secret agents. But the chocolate was a candle.

'This is an OUTRAGE!' bellowed Harry. 'Why do chocolate makers not love me as much as I love me? OUTRAGE!' He ate the rest of the chocolates up until door number 20, and then threw the rest of what he'd bought under his bed and went down for dinner.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 12: IT'S ALL A BIT OF A DRAG

After dinner, Harry and Ron ran to hide in the one place Hermione wouldn't be or look for them because she had said she wanted to 'have a conversation to see where their relationships are going'. Naturally, as soon as they heard, they couldn't be stopped and ran quicker than anyone could have ever imagined. Hermione had told them to meet her in the owlery at half past nine. It was now half past eight. Harry and Ron had to think fast if they weren't going to be found.

'How long does it take for Polyjuice Potion to be brewed again?' asked Ron.

'Aaaaabout six months,' said Harry, breathless and nervous.

'Pants.'

Harry and Ron had been sprinting through the school aimlessly for about quarter of an hour now, they really needed a plan. Harry stopped suddenly but Ron carried on running and went around the corner and disappeared out of sight. After a moment or two, Ron returned from where he'd left, still running as fast as he could and came to a halt next to Harry.

'We need a plan. She'll find us if we just do this.'

'Oh dear god.' Ron became extremely weak and light-headed at this piece of information; he began to dither around on the spot for a bit, as though he were blind.

'Pull yourself together, man!' shouted Harry, slapping Ron around the face. Ron stood up as tall as he could and looked down at Harry.

'Don't you lay a hand on me.' He slapped Harry back.

Harry looked alarmed. Both Harry and Ron both lunged for each other and were rolling around on the floor punching and strangling each other.

'This is ridiculous,' said Harry as he ceased fighting after a while and climbing out from under Ron.

'You wouldn't be saying that if you were winning!' bellowed Ron back. Ron was still rolling around on the floor by himself and punching what appeared to be thin air. 'Take that! Nincompoop!'

'Ron!' shouted Harry.

Ron looked up, chewing his own leg.

'What are you doing?'

'Beating you up!'

'I'm over here!'

'Oh yeah…'

'Look, we need to get away from Hermione. We've got half an hour to come up with and go to a place where she won't go or look for us. Think, Ron!'

'Ohhh…' said Ron sarcastically who had lost all hope. 'Why don't we dress up as women and go work in Draco's brothel?' He really had given up hope. A look of scary triumph had just possessed Harry's face. 'Oh no!' said Ron. 'No! I will not! You can't make me!'

Harry turned away from Ron and started walking on his hips very slowly, imitating Hermione.

'Oh but Ron, we need to have a conversation about where our relationship is going and if it's worth us carrying on with what seems like a chore! I don't know if you're what I'm looking for in a friend and I think we need some time apart to sort out our differences. Oh, Ron, please don't cr-' Harry turned around and saw that Ron was stood wearing total drag complete with make up and carrying what looked like Harry's costume and a make up bag which looked rather full.

'Let's go, then.'

Harry and Ron came out of the girls' bathroom after Harry had managed to put his dress on. It was awful!

'You look wonderful, darling!' Ron had said. If you asked Harry, he'd say Ron was enjoying this a bit too much.

They started to walk down the corridor to the Slytherin common room and to Harry's annoyance, they passed some Hufflepuff guys who took it in their stride to wolf whistle and shout 'Oi Oi, Sexy!' at Harry and Ron. To this, Ron said:

'Oh, you do flatter me!' in an extremely high-pitched voice whilst battering his fake eyelashes, still with the boots label attached to them.

'Ron!' Harry whispered at him.

'Don't worry!' Ron whispered back. 'They don't know it's us!'

'If this turns up in my advent calendar tomorrow, I will NOT be happy.'

They got to the Slytherin entrance and Ron said the password in his elevated voice. The door swung open and Harry and Ron stepped inside. Harry suddenly remembered that the Slytherin common room would be crowded by Slytherins all wanting a grope of the two best looking girls to have ever set foot in that room. He closed his eyes as he entered. Nothing. He waited a little longer. Still nothing. Harry bravely opened his eyes to see the common room deserted for the exception of a man in a painting who was blinking blankly as though he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He dropped his sherry glass on the floor in front of him and then toppled over and landed on his table with a stunned look on his face.

Ron and Harry made their way across the common room to the stairs and climbed them. They got to Draco's dormitory and pressed their ears against the door. They could faintly hear the sound of _Mmmbop_ playing in the background and Harry felt Ron's foot tapping the rhythm against his.

'Don't.'

'OK.'

Ron wrapped on the door without warning and Harry thought that running was a cunning plan right now. Surely Draco would notice it was them. Everyone else had been far away when they saw them, Draco would be close up, staring them right in the face. A dress, wig and a tonne of make up wouldn't be able to mask six years of pure hate. The music floored and the door swung open to reveal Draco's inquisitive face staring at them He didn't move for a short while, then a smile (which was rather scary) spread across his face.

'Oh, to what do I owe this pleasure, ladies?'

'We heard you were running a brothel,' blinked a seductive Ron.

Draco looked momentarily confused as to how this beautiful stranger knew this, but didn't dwell on the fact.

'Come in,' he said, smiling.

Ron and Harry minced into Draco's only-too-familiar dorm room, in which the three of them were alone.

'Sit down,' offered Draco gesturing towards his bed.

Harry sat down on the bed and then remembered he happened to be female and then crossed his legs. Ron, on the other hand, stood still.

'Oh, no thank you!' he bleated. 'I'll stand.'

Harry thought he'd better do the same. He stood up next to Ron and copied his every move. They were both leaning on their left hip with their hands holding it.

'So, what're your names?' Draco asked. Harry wanted to throw up so he thought of something that was less vulgar at this moment. _Aunt Petunia in a corset! Aunt Petunia in a corset!_

'I'm Jenny,' said Ron in his voice that seemed no longer to be broken.

'Oh right! And yours?' He turned to face Harry with a look of actual, plane interest on his face. Harry said the first thing that came into his head.

'Ralph!'

'Ralph?'

Ron covered his 'Oh, God' face with his hand.

'Did I say Ralph? Ha ha! I mean… Delilah…'

'That's a pretty name.'

Why had Draco bought that?

'Thanks…' said Harry wanting to leave. Ron was laughing at him behind his innocent blue eyes, Harry knew it.

'So, why do you ladies want to work in a brothel?' he asked, casually.

'We're out of work,' added Ron. Draco turned again. 'We need somewhere to work.'

Draco turned around back to Harry.

'Even a pretty thing, like you?' he asked., breathing a stench of burnt herbs and grass at them

'Someone smokes,' said Harry to break the silence.

Draco smiled back.

'Weed. Only the finest! Want some?'

'Err…' No, of course Harry didn't want any weed! 'OK!' Harry said he wanted some, but don't worry! He is no junkie! It was just to get Draco away from his womanly physique.

Draco moved away to his bedside table and started rummaging around in his draw where he kept his arse-cork.

'Here we go!' He branded a white roll of paper in his left hand.

'Is that… a spliff?' asked Ron.

'Yep!' answered Draco with evident triumph in his voice. He pulled a lighter from his trouser pockets and lit the spliff and started smoking it. The aroma of herbs and grass filled the room and Harry didn't like it at all. He began to cough and Draco looked up at him.

'What's up, babe?' Ew thought Harry. 'Shall I put it out?'

Harry nodded so Draco stubbed his spliff out on his bedside table and put it back into his draw. 'So, have you girls worked in a brothel before?'

'Yes,' said Ron. 'C.V.' He thrust a few rolls of parchment in Draco's face and Draco slowly took it from him, eyeing him with suspicion. He read what Ron had written quoting bits from it.

'"…good people skills…ability to answer awkward questions… will do anything if it has to be done… is not shy…" It's a good C.V.' He turned to Harry. 'Have you got one, princess?'

'Err… no. Sorry. Didn't think I'd need one.'

'Don't worry. You've got the job,' he said quietly.

'We'll start next week,' said Ron.

'What's wrong with now?' asked Draco.

'Well, we have to be some place else.'

'Where?'

'Our dad… he's in St Mungo's… he needs us…'

'I'm sure he won't mind if you're a little late…'

'Oh, yes he will!' argued Ron. 'He needs us… both… right now! We're already late.'

At that moment, Harry started crying and Draco looked around at him with alarm on his face. It was as though he had just found out what causing some innocent person pain felt like for the first time.

'Please let us go,' wailed Harry to Draco.

Draco sighed.

'OK. I hope your dad gets better soon.' He walk Harry and Ron to the door and opened it; Ron walked briskly out and Harry promptly followed. No way was he staying there ANY LONGER. Harry ran down the stairs and Ron slammed the door shut.

When Harry and Ron were out of the common room and where getting changed where they had hidden their clothes earlier, Harry quite happily wanted to die.

'Sorry,' said Ron, shortly. Although, he really did mean it.

Harry said nothing.

'Harry?'

'What?' asked Harry in a stage whisper, very angrily.

'I am really sorry. I shouldn't have suggested that.'

'Where the fuck did you get that C.V from?' asked Harry after a while. He could think of nothing else to ask.

Ron shrugged.

'Thought it might come in handy one day.'


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 13: The LIMERICK ON LEGS

Harry didn't enjoy the following day. Or the day after that. The good part was that none of the pictures in his advent calendar were anything to do with that unfortunate event that had happened. Around eleven o'clock on Christmas Eve, Harry was sat in the chair closest the fire and staring endlessly and longingly at it. Why did the fire get to not be alive? It wasn't fair!

'Mince pie?'

Ron had appeared through the portrait hole carrying a tray full of mince pies from the Great Hall. Harry still wasn't talking to Ron, although, it's not clear why as Ron had meant that idea sarcastically and Harry was the one who took it too far. He looked at the tray of pies but turned away again.

'They're still warm…' added Ron. 'But not too warm.'

Harry looked at the fire a little longer, thinking about the mince pies.

'Do they have that little blob of cream on the top?'

'Yeah, slightly towards the left of the centre, and exactly three and a half fifths of a teaspoon.'

Harry sighed.

'With only the finest quality mince?'

'Read the box myself.'

'And… the pastry…'

'It's not too thick, but not too thin.'

Harry eyed the mince pies.

'No,' he said abruptly. 'I don't want any.' He turned away to the fireplace.

'Harry, you do.'

'No I don't!' he said defiantly. 'I do not want mince pies.'

'OK,' Ron shrugged. 'More for me.'

Ron sat down at a table near to Harry, in his eye-line, and put the tray down. He picked up the mince pie closed to Harry and slowly took a bite out of it, letting the mincemeat slowly ooze out. He started to breathe heavily as he sluggishly chewed.

'Oh, get a room!' Draco Malfoy's voice came from the portrait hole, which was open. He was holding Seamus Finnigan's head by its hair in his left hand, and was supporting Seamus' limp body in his right.

'What happened to Seamus?' Ron gasped.

'I beheaded him,' answered Draco. 'Thought the blithering idiot could do with taking a good long look at himself.'

'Couldn't you have just given him a mirror?'

'Don't be stupid, Weaselbee. That wouldn't have been half as fun.'

Draco dropped Seamus' body on the floor at the portrait hole, for he hadn't come any further into the Gryffindor common room.

'One of you wanna come and collect this brainless hair-do before I drop that, as well?'

Ron jumped up and carefully took Seamus' head from Draco. While Draco carried on talking, Harry and Ron decided to use their time constructively and try to attach Seamus' head back to his body.

'He was lucky I didn't shrink it, the way he spoke to me. Filthy little Irish geezer. Thinks he's so 'ard. What's he got? A posse? Nah. Stupid bloke couldn't get any friends to back what he said up.' Draco eyed Ron and Harry for a while, as though waiting for something. 'Are neither of you going to ask me what he said?'

Ron looked up at Draco.

'Erm… well, I wasn't planning to-'

'"Silly blonde ponce" he called me.'

Harry and Ron let out a slight giggle.

'Yeah! Can you believe it? Me? Silly blonde ponce? Nah. Me? I'm a legend.'

'Yeah, on your own cereal box, Malfoy,' Ron said.

'What? What was that, Weaselbee? I've seen you at breakfast. You eat the same cereal as me.'

'Really? You like Honey Nut Cheerios, too?'

'Yeah! No one else does! How pathetic are they?'

'Well, pathetic's going a bit too far, I think-'

'Nah. Pathetic.'

'Erm…'

'Oi, Potter. You like Honey Nut Cheerios?'

Harry pulled an expression of dislike and shook his head.

'Pathetic,' breathed Draco, looking away in disgust.

'He's my best friend!' retorted Ron.

'Ew. Why?'

'He's… he's… he just is!'

At that moment, Harry had managed to somehow attach Seamus' head back to his body that was now sprawled across the floor. Seamus got up dizzily and when he found his balance, you looked up at Draco.

'You!'

'What? Are you gonna sing me your little choir boy song, or something? And do your puddle dance to go with it?'

Seamus' face turned scarily bull-like. Even smoke came out of his nose. He charged at Draco, putting his forefingers to his head as horns and crashed into his enemy, which resulted Draco hurting his leg and having to walk like his uncle.

'You imbecile! Look what you've done!'

Draco hobbled around a bit so that Seamus could see what he'd done.

'Oh yeah, sorry about that,' Seamus said. 'I was aiming for your head so I could crack it open!' Seamus ended in a roar and took charge to Draco again, this time without the horns. Seamus struck Draco's head against the wall, but it didn't crack. Seamus kept slamming his head but it just wouldn't crack.

'What are you, a robot or something?'

'Quite possibly,' said Draco with a thoughtful expression. He didn't seem to be in any pain from what Seamus was doing. 'I've never looked into it.'

'I give up,' said Seamus, getting up off the floor. 'Your head is just weird.'

Draco rubbed the back of his head thoughtfully and said:

'Hmmm…'

'Get up, robo-Nazi!' Seamus shouted at Draco.

Draco got up.

'Don't ever speak to me like that, AGAIN. You limerick on legs!'

And with that, he stormed off. But was somewhat delayed by his Gestapo-like limp.

'"He's… he's… he just is"?' Harry threw at Ron.

'What?'

'What the hell was that?'

Ron looked over-dramatically perplexed for around ten seconds.

'Why am I your best friend, Ron? Why me? Why am I so special that I get to be your best friend?'

'You're cool,' Ron said shortly.

'What? Because I'm _The Boy Who Lived_? Because I've been through so much pain from VOLDEMORT that I get the honour of being Ron Weasley's best friend?'

'No, now you're just being big-headed. You're just generally cool… a part from when you're big-headed…'

Harry beamed his embarrassment again, and quickly turned away so Ron wouldn't see.

'But when you're just you, you're cool.'

'Oh,' said Harry after a while. '…I see… erm… well, thanks for that… erm… you're pretty cool, too.'

A smile spread across Ron's face as Harry said the last sentence. He hadn't felt this much of not knowing what to do with himself since a random person in Carnaby Street, London told him he should model for the beauty store. He then later found out the beauty store was for girls and the midget who had told him had made off with his wallet.

'Damn! That had 11 galleons and my Tamagotchi in it!' Ron had wailed. 'Feed him well!' he shouted after the guy who stole it.

Harry continued to stare at the fire in the Gryffindor common room until Ron appeared beside him hold a badly wrapped bundle that looked he had just screwed up Woolworths wrapping paper into a ball and sellotaped it randomly.

'What is it?' asked Harry.

'Your Christmas present.'

'It's Christmas tomorrow.'

'I know, but I think you should have it now.'

'I see…' Harry pulled a thinking expression as though he were stroking a goatee he didn't have. 'And why's this?' Harry moved a way from his thinking pose to a social worker pose where he had one leg crossed over the other, his hands holding it in place and an face that was supposed to be understanding and caring but just said 'Hey you, money, now.'

'Because I think we should have Christmas tonight! It'll be fun!'

'You're just too excited to sleep, aren't you?'

'Yes sir!'

Rather accustomed to his new title, Harry took his present off Ron and held it for a while. He got up and walked around towards that back of the common room.

'No,' he said, putting the present under the tree. 'I think we should wait.'

'NOOOOO! That's not fair!' wailed Ron. 'I want to have Christmas noooowww!' Tears were actually streaming from his eyes, by now.

'Nope, it'll wait until tomorrow.'

'Damn you!' shouted Ron after Harry as he made his way up the stairs. He shook his fist in anger, too, just for dramatical effect.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 14: Just Call Me "Louise "the cheeze""

Harry strolled down the stairs on Christmas morning to find the common room exactly how he had left it the night before, except for a few extra presents here and there. Ron came sprinting after him yelping:

'Has he been? Has he been? Has he been?'

'Has who been?' asked Harry.

'Father Christmas.'

Harry gave Ron a doubtful look, and then turned to the Christmas tree where the presents had multiplied. Ron had that excited expression on his face a young child has when they, well… look under the Christmas tree. He bent down and picked up a rectangular present for him and a star shaped one for Harry.

'Jesus! That must have taken ages to wrap up!' he commented on Harry's present.

Harry turned the star over and on the bottom was a sticky label.

'Marks and Spencer's,' Harry read aloud. '£3.50.'

He turned it over again with an impressed look on his face and removed the lid. In the star shaped box was a small piece of parchment on top of what looked like a lot of glitter. Harry took out the parchment and read:

Dear Mr Potter,

Professor Albus Dumbledore has requested for you to have a treasurer while he was running the Order of the Phoenix. We realise this was two years ago but some members of our staff went on strike so we haven't had enough Fairy Godmothers to go around for all our customers and clients. But we have sorted this problem now and you have been assigned to a Fairy Godmother. To start your treasuring, simply say the words "Fairy Godmother" and then blow on the Fairy Dust.

Yours Sincerely

Ermintrude Shybank

of FAIRY GODMOTHERS INC

www.fairygodmothersinc. Godmother?"' Harry quoted, dimly.

At that moment, Ron sneezed all over the box, which caused all the Fairy Dust to escape. A teenaged looking female appeared out of nowhere in the common room. She was wearing a red vest top with yellow glittery wings on the back, a red tutu, yellow and red striped tights and red converse all stars with yellow laces. Her hair was dark brown with bright pink streaks and she wore purple glittery eye make up. She was holding what looked like a stick with a silver paper star glued on the end of it.

'Oh, muma, muma, muma!' breathed Harry, stomping his foot uncontrollably.

The fairy seemed completely oblivious to the fact that she had just been transported into the Gryffindor common room.

'So then I said, I said… WHAT THE HELL! THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE!'

'You're Harry's Fairy Godmother,' announced Ron.

'I prefer "cool, young sister" as apposed to "godmother",' she said, ambling towards them.

Harry grinned pathetically at her as she got to them and in reply, she clicked her fingers, pointed at him and said:

'Right on, HP!'

'You're my Fairy Godmother?' Harry managed at last.

The Fairy nodded.

'Louise the Cheeze is the name. Here's my card.'

She handed over a small rectangular piece of card:

Louise "the cheeze" Conway 

Fairy Godmother

Of

Fairy Godmothers Inc

LOUISE "THE CHEEZE" CONWAY FAIRY GODMOTHER 

www.fairygodmothersinc. on the back:

I, Louise "the cheeze' Conway hereby promise to love myself and my country. I will attend to my client: **HARRY POTTER** whenever he needs me. I will do what is in my capabilities to grant wishes or the like. I will offer him advice and will tell him information I feel that he needs to know immediately, unless he is on the toilet, in which case, I will wait until he is done and tell him then. I will respond to his calls as urgently as I can and will defend him wherever and whenever possible.

'WOW!' Harry exclaimed. 'My name's on the card! Why is my name on the card?' he asked.

'What did you expect me to be, some sort of Genie or something? Grant you three wishes and then I'd move to Florida and you'd never see me again?'

'Well, kinda…'

'Bloody… NO! A Fairy Godmother is for life, not just for Christmas.'

'I'm sorry,' pleaded Harry.

'You will be!'

'I am now.'

'I'll put a stop to this!'

'How?'

'YOUR AUNT IN A CORSET!'

'NOOOOOOOO!' Harry recoiled in terror and pain. 'How do you know about that?'

'Well, I had to do my research before I began to treasure you, didn't I?'

'What so, can you like, delve into peoples' pasts using some sort of unknown magic to us and find out anything you want?' Harry asked, excitedly.

'No, I just Googled it…' said Louise, slightly confused.

Harry looked somewhat upset at this news and looked at his shoes. Louise followed his eyes down to his shoes and also looked at them. Ron, who noticed that he was the only one who was interested in his shadow puppets, did the same, so everyone in the room was looking at Harry's shoes.

'Why have you got shoes on at nine thirty in the morning?' asked Louise.

'I was just thinking that, myself…' pondered Harry.

'Well,' said Louise, straightening up, 'what can I do for you?'

'Erm…' Harry wondered what he could do with his Fairy Godmother's powers.

'Hurry up! I haven't got all bloody day!'

'Sorry, what… I don't understand,' said Harry.

'Hold on…' Louise stopped him.

She looked as though she was receiving a message from some other world or something.

'Hermione Granger wants to kill you,' she said at last.

'What? Why?'

'Sssssssssssomething to do with a mouldy wooden box…' she said, thinking and listening.

'Oh right… well, she deserved it!'

'I'm sure she did, dear. Now, I have to go study for my flying theory, so just call me when you need me, yeah?'

'Yeah, OK. Erm... How do I do that?'

'Oh right, yeah…' She dug around in her pocket in her tutu (she's a hip Fairy) and took out what looked like a silver plastic outline of a star with a purple plastic gem in the middle from Claire's Accessories. 'Now, you rub the gem and say something that will grab my attention. "Pamphlet" is always good. Or, you can just think it strongly,' she added at the 'oh my god' look on Harry's face.

'Oh, ok then. Thanks,' said Harry, not really sure of what to say. He didn't want her to go.

'Well, so long!' said Louise.

'Bye,' said Harry.

And Louise walked out of the portrait hole.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 15: We'll Play Wizard Chess This Christmas

It was Boxing Day and snow was whizzing around the grounds like a million snitches flying from their seekers, or so Harry had written in his poem 'Ode to the Snow'. He was feeling particularly happy this morning, as the morning's post had brought him plenty of hate mail from Hermione.

'Thank fuck, she hates me at last!' he had shouted in the Great Hall. He shouted it so loud that Professor Dumbledore flew into the Hall on an old broomstick and told Harry off for waking him up.

'I don't teach here to be rudely awoken by insignificant imbeciles like you. I also don't teach here to be insulted by having a student swear so loudly that everyone within in a mile radias can hear him. It is insulting to my appearance I have in the Wizarding world and rude as it is only nine thirty in the morning!' he shouted. He spent about half an hour lecturing Harry on why not to swear in the Hogwarts Castle and then said: 'Now, I don't want to end Christmas on a bad note, so just forget everything I just said.' And with that, he flew away.

Harry and Ron returned to the Gryffindor common room to find the fat lady in the portrait singing at the top of her lungs.

'NOOOO!' screamed Ron.

'Oh, shut up,' the fat lady said after being rudely interrupted. 'Go in. And leave me alone.'

Harry and Ron entered the common room, where only they were present. Everyone else seemed to have gone home for Christmas.

'I thought Ginny stayed,' said Harry.

'She did! She was at breakfast,' said Ron.

'Was she?'

'Yeah, but she was sat with Malfoy, dick head.'

'Why was she sat with him?'

'How do I bloody know!'

'Sorry, I just wondered. It's a bit strange, though. Ginny sat with Malfoy. I didn't think she like him.'

'She doesn't. She hates him.'

'Well, then why was she sat with him?'

'I DON'T KNOW!'

Harry sat down on a chair in the centre circle of the common room. Ron sat opposite him.

'Do you wanna game of Wizard Chess?' he asked.

'Yeah, sure!' said Harry.

Ron got out his Wizard Chess board and placed it on the table between them.

It was five minutes into the game and Harry was loosing spectacularly. Ron had taken out most of his pieces and the only bit of china Harry had was what had been flung at him when Ron's Bishop attacked one of his pawns. It was now Harry's turn, and he could see no hope. He had a knight and a pawn left.

'Hmmmmm……' he said. 'Knight to… Ron's face!'

Harry's knight sprung into action and leapt onto Ron's face to start attacking it.

'Ha ha! I beat you!' Harry said.

'Hey, what's that?'

A laptop shaped wrapped gift had just appeared on top of the Wizard Chess board. Ron had just managed to pull Harry's knight out of his nose when he saw what was going on.

'Dunno, read the label.'

Harry did:

To Harry,

Merry Christmas and a happy new birfdee

Love from Louise "the Cheeze".

PS: I want to have your babies

'Awww…' said Harry. 'She wants to have my babies!'

'She bought you a present, Harry.'

'Oh yeah. I wonder what it is…'

The laptop shaped present was making a humming noise and seemed to have a light on near the bottom of the monitor shaped bit. Harry unwrapped the present, still having no idea what it could be, and revealed, lo and behold, a laptop.

'WOW!' exclaimed Ron. 'It's one of those!'

'It's a laptop!'

'A what, what?'

'A laptop! It's a small computer.'

'A what, what?'

'You can do work on it, put typing here (he demonstrated typing) and then it will come up on here (he pointed to the screen) and then you can save it, print it out and you don't have to do any writing!'

'WOW!'

'Oh, rad, it has MSN on it!'

'What, what?'

'It's this thing that lets you talk to people online! You type words to them, and they type some back…' Harry explained! 'I need to get an email address.'

He signed onto the laptop and went to get an email address. He tried and but they were all taken. In the end, he stuck with had just entered this is when Ron pointed out that Professor Lupin was no longer teaching at Hogwarts. To this, Harry said:

'Arse.'

After Harry had got his MSN account, Ron asked if he could have one.

'Can I have an email address?' he said.

'Yeah, sure. There you go.' Harry got up and Ron sat down at Harry's laptop (which was on a table, by the way).

Ron tried and but they were all taken.

Ron was getting really stuck for ideas now, and just at that moment, Ginny walked into the common room. Harry looked up at her hopefully. Ever since they had broken up he'd been heartbroken. He found himself dreaming of her every night, and every now and then Louise "the Cheeze" popped in. Ginny looked at Harry and stopped but carried on walking up the stairs. Harry was about to talk when Draco Malfoy followed Ginny into the common room and towards the stairs. He saw that Ron was trying to come up with an email address, and said:

'Why don't you use Ha ha ha ha ha!'

'That was a very pantomime cackle, Malfoy,' Harry said, coolly.

'Ohhh, no it wasn't!' declared Draco, and with that, he followed Ginny to the girls dormitory.

'Ron entered into the box, and it was available.

'Yay!' said Ron.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 16: How was Your Christmas?

Events followed when Harry was talking to people on MSN. He found out that his godfather, Sirius had not died when during his fifth yeah, but had only pretended to fall through the veil and ran around the edge of it and out through the door. He had, since then, been on a year-long vacation to Hawaii and returned with a "glorious tan" and gotten a job in Woolworths.

'I got my Tamagotchi in Woolworths,' stated Ron, 'before that muggle dwarf guy stole it. Damn his oily hide.'

'Do you not know what this means?' said Harry. 'I've been upset for over a year now because I thought the one man left to have something to do with my family was dead. Now I find out he's alive and well and livin' it up in Hawaii and Woolworths when I've been distraught –'

'Oh, come off it, Potter,' said Malfoy. 'No one cares. He doesn't even know what you're talking about,' he said, gesturing to Ron.

'What? What's happening?' said Ron, suddenly alert.

Harry slumped down into his chair and stared at the side of his laptop from where he was sitting.

'Where did you come from anyway?' he asked Malfoy. 'And why are you in the Gryffindor common room?'

'I'm in here because Ginny's in here and it's funny you ask where I come from, I actually come from Wales,' he said, with a 'would you look at that' expression on his face.

'You don't have an accent,' said Ron.

'Ooo… who's a smart boy!' said Harry, with a slight hint of sarcasm in his voice.

'Yes, well, I've lived in England since I was two and both of my parents didn't like being Welsh so they've always spoken with an English accent. It's one of the reasons why they connected.' Draco had a reminiscent look on his face.

'You know, nearly all of my family's Scottish,' said Ron.

'Really, Weaselbee? I'd never have guessed. Not with that flaming red hair and the leg shape of a kilt-wearer.'

'Shut up!' retorted Ron.

'Don't tell me to shut up! I'll get my Welsh Clang on you!'

'Well, I'll get my Scotty-Posse on you!' said Ron, defiantly.

'Ron get up. I want to talk to Ser- to… someone… on MSN,' interrupted Harry.

Ron got up and switched places with Harry, who signed onto his MSN account. He saw that Sirius was online (his email was and Harry started a conversation with him.

'Did you have a good Christmas?' Harry asked. He had asked Sirius this about twenty times since Christmas and it was only two days after Boxing Day. Sirius was blatantly getting very annoyed with Harry saying this as he blocked him. Harry's Motorola Razor rang the Spongebob Square Pants theme tune and Harry answered it.

'Why, hello!'

From the other end of the line, came Sirius' voice.

'SHUT UP!'

The dial tone echoed loudly in Harry's ear before he hung up. Draco and Ron looked at Harry wondering what the hell that had been about.

'I think I annoyed him with the 'how was your Christmas?' thing.'

'Well, it would have annoyed me, Potter,' Draco said reassuringly. And with that, he left the common room.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 17: GAYCO!

The next day, Professor McGonagall came into Harry's dorm room for inspection. Harry's part of the room was a mess. A big, big mess. McGonagall told Harry that he was not allowed out of the dormitory until he had tidied up alone and non-magically. Everyone left the room looking sorry for Harry as he just sat there, on his bed, looking sorry for himself. After everyone had left, Harry put his hand in his pocket and found a pointy star shaped object in there. He didn't look to see what it was, but he rubbed the middle of it and thought: "oh, arse".

'Did someone say "arse"?'

Harry knew that voice. He looked up and saw, stood there, Louise "the cheeze". Harry let out a huge smile and got up, ran towards her and hugged her.

'Merry Christmas to you, too!' she said. 'Anyway, why "arse"? Why not, bottom?'

'I have to tidy my room,' Harry said in a whiny voice.

'Ooooh,' said Louise. 'Arse indeed!'

She waved her wand towards Harry's part of the room and everything flew into its right place. Which included Harry being swept off his feet and flown rapidly onto his bed.

'Sorry!' said Louise, inspecting her wand. 'That's never happened before…'

'Don't worry,' said Harry getting up and making his way over to Louise again.

'Sooo… like your laptop?'

'Oh yeah! It's amazing thanks!'

'Yes, I Googled you again last night and found your email address. I added you on MSN. I'm said Harry.

'Sooo…' said Louise after a pause. 'Did you get me a present?'

'A what?' said Harry.

'A present. For Christmas.'

'Oh! Oh, yeah… erm… yeah, of course. I got you…' Harry started walking about his room looking for something to give Louise. Louise suddenly found her fingernails very interesting. 'I got you…' Harry repeated. 'I got you… THIS!' A huge smile spread across Harry's face as he held out something he found Louise might like.

'A pair of half eaten socks?' said Louise, with a look of unwanted disbelief on her face.

'Yeah… they're all the rage with Fairies. I read it in erm… _Hip Fairy Godmothers Weekly_…' Harry was possibly the worst liar in the world.

'Really?' said Louise. 'I didn't see that article.'

'Well, they said that you'd put a spell on them and you could change a pair of mouldy old socks into nice new legwarmers!' Harry tried to sound convincing.

'OH YES! I remember now! Oh thanks, honey! I've been looking for something to make funky ever since I read that! Oh, thanks!' She gave Harry a hug then placed the socks on the floor in front of her.

'Now, Fairies aren't that same as you Wizards and whatnot. We have to chant spells at things instead of just saying words.'

'Right,' said Harry.

Louise cleared her throat.

'Look at me!

The great transformer!

Turn these ugly socks

Into nice new leg warmers!'

Louise chanted at the socks whilst somewhat idiotically waving her wand around, but surprisingly, the socks turned into nice new leg warmers. Louise looked rather pleased with herself!

'Applause please!'

Harry was about to clap but was then overwhelmed by the applauding coming from no particular source around the room.

The leg warmers were black and green stripy and did look rather rad. She sat down on Harry's bed and pulled the legwarmers over her Converse and tights. Harry noticed that she'd been wearing the exact same outfit the first time they'd met.

'Do you wear those clothes all the time?' Harry asked, because he had plenty of clothes Louise could have and jazz up.

'No dear, I just have loads of the same clothes! I'm resourceful!'

'Oh, right… cunning!' said Harry.

There was a long pause, where Harry decided he needed a new pair on Converse All Stars.

'Wanna go to Hogsmeade?' he said.

'Yeah sure!' said Louise.

Louise and Harry made their way down to Hogsmeade.

'So… you need a new pair of Converse, do you?'

'Yeah!'

'Y'know, I could have just magiced you up some?'

'Yeah, but this kills more time.'

'I suppose…'

They entered the shoe shop in Hogsmeade called _Best Shoe Forward!_ And took a look around. The Converse were on the opposite wall. They walked across and looked at the shoes. They were none really that took Harry's fancy but Louise said she liked the yellow ones so he bought them to impress her. They walked back up to the castle, but on the way there, they came across a rather "disgustingly dead looking ferret" in Louise's words. Or, Draco Malfoy in almost everyone else's.

''ello, Potter! Didn't know you had a girlfriend!'

'She's… she's…' he realised that "she's my Fairy Godmother" might have sounded a bit strange. 'She's a friend,' he said simply.

'Yeah, you couldn't get a girlfriend, could you, Potter? Far to weird and clingy for any girl.'

'EXCUSE ME!' Louise said, she had cut across Harry causing him to fall over in the snow for reason at all.

'It is my job to treasure this boy and look after and stand up for him when people are making unfair comments about him.' She turned to Harry, who was still on the floor. 'What's this boy's name?' she demanded, pointing at Draco.

'Draco,' said Harry shortly.

'Gayco? What the hell kind of name is that!'

Harry thought that Louise's voice had just been multiplied in decibels by about a thousand.

'No, Draco,' he corrected her.

'Yes, I heard you the first time!' said Louise, her voice still booming. 'Well, it was lovely to meet you Gay, now come on, move, some people have to get back up to the castle.'

And with that, a flabbergasted Draco moved aside to let Harry and Louise through and they trudged back up to Hogwarts, after Louise had managed to heave Harry back to his feet.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 18: THE RETURN OF THE POMPOUS, STUCK UP ARSE

Harry woke up the next day to find that his life was still the same as it was the day before. But over the next few weeks, Draco Malfoy didn't seem to fire any insults at him, which bewildered him and also slightly annoyed him because he'd came up with the best comeback: "What brand are your insults, Draco? EDAM!" When he'd told Ron, it had caused him to laugh so hard that his legs collapsed from under him due to lack of oxygen, he then faded in and out of consciousness and then completely passed out. He was rushed to the Hospital Wing but was discharged a few hours later. Hermione arrived at Hogwarts after the Christmas holidays and told Harry off for being murderous.

'I wasn't trying to kill him!'

'Oh, that's what all murderers say! That was very inconsiderate, Harry!'

'It was only a joke! I didn't know you could die from laughing! Well, YOU couldn't obviously because you're a pompous, stuck up arse who wouldn't know what laughing was if it bit you on the leg and then danced in front of you wearing a loincloth singing "Order me a Big Mac and a large Sprite!"'

'I know what laughing is, Harry,' Hermione said coolly.

'Only because you read about it in _The Most Sour People in the World Don't: _. Honestly, Hermione. It was an accident!'

With that Hermione stalked off and Harry called after her:

'Why don't you try to make friends with Snape! He might make you laugh!'

Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room feeling really very proud of him self. He told Ron what had happened and he was on the verge of laughing so Harry ran upstairs and hid so that it wouldn't be his fault if Ron nearly died again. While he was under his bed looking very frightened just for dramatical effect, Harry found some stuff he'd lost over his years at Hogwarts. He pulled out his wand.

"Lumos!"

His wand lit up and Harry could see a great big pile of stuff, and a few short ginger hairs that were settled in circular patches on the soft stuff (like Harry's lovely jumper Mrs Weasley had knitted for him in their first year – it was still to big). Either Crookshanks had been here or Ron was trying to make backwards crop circles again.

Harry found a packet of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, one sock which he decided to give to Louise, a wand cap (he found it in it's packet, that's how he knew what it was), a hedge trimmer which he decided to give to Ron to help him with the whole crop circle thing, A Patrick Star Kinder Egg toy, a small figurine of himself, some Christmas cards, a voodoo doll of Hermione, a Hanson CD which he guessed belonged to Ron anyway and a small, feisty garden gnome, which he also guessed belonged to Ron. And deep under the pile of this stuff, he found a CD of his all time favourite band, Panic! At The Disco, which he had a fit over and put it in his CD player right away.

He put all of Ron's things on his bed and put away all of his stuff and laid the one sock for Louise on his bed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the star think Louise had given him. He rubbed the centre of it and thought of a random word.

'Puddles,' he said.

'Well, that was a bit random, wasn't it!' said a friendly voice behind him.

'I… er… I found you a sock,' said Harry lamely.

'Oh thanks! Erm… what can I do with this?' she said, taking the sock from Harry. 'Hmmm…

'The story of life is much too great,

Make this sock separate!'

The sock divided horizontally in half.

'There! Right.

'My hands are cold

They shiver and shove,

Turn these rags into

Long, red and black stripy fingerless gloves!'

The two rags turned themselves into exactly what the Fairy had said and she put on the gloves, which did indeed look very cool.

'Oh! Panic! At The Disco! I love them!'

'I know! They rock! I found their CD earlier!'

'Wow!' said Louise. 'I overheard that conversation you had with Hermione earlier. Very well said!'

'Oh, thanks.' Harry blushed.

'Yes… wait!' Louise looked as if she were hearing things but Harry couldn't hear them, so he just stood there patently, trying to look sexy. It worked! 'Hermione says, and I quote, "Harry Potter is the most foul human being to ever walk the planet. He's dumb, lazy and probably gay".'

'WHAT!' shouted Harry. 'I'm not dumb!'

'Are you gay and lazy?'

'I'm rather lazy,' Harry said thoughtfully, 'but not gay at all.'

'Didn't think so. She's talking about this to some Slytherin guy…'

'Who?'

'I don't know, I'm not bloody psychic!'

'Oh, sorry.'

'You will be!'

Harry cowered.

'So, do you want to go and stand up to her?' asked Louise.

'Er… YES!'

'Good! Come on!'

Louise and Harry marched their way to the 4th floor corridor, where Louise had located Hermione and Draco to be. They were indeed there, and talking as if they were good friends having a good old bitch about people they don't like and never have done.

'He's ever so stuck up and thinks he's such the hero!'

'Yeah, I know! Well, I guessed. It's not that hard. He oozes that aroma, y'see.'

Harry couldn't believe his ears! Hermione was bitching about him to DRACO MALFOY! What a bitch!

'I don't think I'm a hero, Hermione! I'm the bloody PROTANGONIST in this story! Not you, not Ron, know why? BECAUSE I SELL MERCHANDISE!'

'He has got a point,' said Draco.

Louise, who recognised the voice, turned and saw him standing there.

'HELLO GAY!' she boomed. Although she needn't have been so loud.

'Hi,' he said shortly.

At that moment, there was a loud nee nor sound like a fire engine, and it seemed to be coming from Louise, who had gone red slightly.

'What's that?' asked Harry.

'I'm needed by the head Fairy Godmother. _Lucinda…_ Erm… OK…'

'Fairy Godmother, my arse. You're not a Fairy Godmother, you're just a watcher,' said Draco meanly.

'I AM his Fairy Godmother,' demanded Louise.

'If you were,' said Draco slyly, 'you would leave in the way all Fairy Godmothers do. By apparation.'

'But surely,' said Hermione, defiantly, 'you can't apparate inside the school grounds, it says in my books.'

'Just shut up,' said Louise with a disgusted look on her face.

'Fairy Godmothers can,' said Draco, who looked oddly impressed with himself.

'Fine!' said Louise. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a handful of glitter. She threw it in the air as she shouted 'POOF!' and after everyone moved their arms away from shielding their eyes from the smoke it created, Louise had indeed gone. But as Harry looked down the corridor, he saw Louise running as fast as she could, waving her arms above her head, shouting 'MOVE! GET OUT THE WAY!'


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 19: DUMBLEDORE'S LETTER

The next day, Harry, Ron and Hermione had Defence Against the Dark Arts with our dear Professor Stock, who again, released his love for school on the kids in a frightening way: poetry. It seems Carol Ann Duffy's attempts at the literature are full of ways to hurt people and wanting to bite certain places on their body. But this has apparently been conveyed through a medium of dark magic, which Professor Stock had made terribly clear by demanding that everyone in the room knew and believed fully that Carol Ann Duffy was a Death Eater and was Voldemort's frequent taxi driver. Hermione of course, raised her hand.

'Hermione?'

'Are you one hundred percent sure about this? Because if Carol Ann Duffy really was a Death Eater, or indeed actually a witch, wouldn't she use magic to hurt people?'

'Not necessarily,' said Professor Stock. 'Human emotion is much stronger than the wand. It can hurt people and make them suffer in a much stronger way.'

'Well, that's not what I think. I think that Duffy isn't magical at all.'

'Well, Hermione,' said Stock, lowering himself to her level. He had become increasingly less fond of her as he slowly realised what a stuck up bitch she was. 'No one really cares what you think.'

Hermione gasped unnecessarily hard, packed her things away and stormed out of the classroom.

'Thank god for that!' said Ron. 'I thought she'd never leave!'

'I know!' said Harry.

'Yeah…' said Stock, who then returned to his desk.

The whole class were manually annotating poems like Stock had asked, in complete silence. Harry put his hand in his pocket. He then saw Louise appeared at the front of the class and waddle around for a bit as if to figure out where she was.

'Shit,' said Harry.

Louise turned and saw the masses of students writing in silence.

'HELLO GAY!' she called to Draco, waving enthusiastically.

Draco beamed a Gryffindor shade of crimson and Harry buried his head in his hands. Ron tried to cover a laugh as Professor Stock turned round and saw Louise.

'Oooo! A visitor!' he said happily with a big grin on his face. Louise just looked at him. 'Would you like to sit down? We're learning about Carol Ann Duffy today!'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' screamed Louise in terror and she ran out.

Parvati Patil who was sat in front of Draco turned around.

'Draco, are you gay?'

'NO!'

'Well, that Fairy said you are.'

Lavender giggled.

'Well, I'm not! I like gu- I mean GIRLS!'

Lavender giggled even more.

'She calls me Gay, because it's short for Gayco, which is what she calls me, because she thinks that's my name, because she misheard Harry say my name was "DRACO"!'

Lavender was in fits from giggling now, and Stock seemed to be very interested in what Draco had to say.

'She seems a bit weird,' said Parvati.

Stock nodded.

'EXCUSE ME!' shouted Harry from the back. 'That's my Fairy Godmother you're talking about!'

At that moment, an owl came flying in, dropped a letter on Stock's desk and flew out again. Luna Lovegood appeared screaming and collapsing.

'Luna, you're a sixth year. Go to your own lesson,' said Lavender coolly.

'Yes!' said Professor Stock. 'And you don't take Defence Against the Dark Arts!'

Luna skulked out of the room looking depressed, but dreamy all the same. Stock unravelled the parchment the owl had brought and read the letter out to the class:

**_Dear Students, Teachers and Students at Warthogs, Hogwarts,_**

**_I feel that_ _this year at stool has been sensitively BORED! Don't you disagree? Yes I am right, you know I am. Are you arguing with me? Good. Aaaaaaanyway, I think, to finish this problem, we should hold a cop poncert to finish off being bored and we should hold a singing thing. We shall call this the new name of 'Stars in their Eyes'. Yes, SIGN UP!_**

_**Professor A P W B Dumbledore**_

_**Doctor of Medicine and Media Studies**_

Everyone looked confused but amused at the same time. Professor Dumbledore was holding a singing concert! Ok… this'll be… fun!


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 20: Stars In Their Eyes

February was dawning and the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were still cold and probably bitter, too. The concert Dumbledore was planning to hold had now been elevated as there was news that had been admitted to by Dumbledore himself that there was going to be a drunken after show party. People were discussing who they could be for 'Stars in their Eyes' in and around the common rooms, and Harry could have sworn he heard Draco muttering something about it to himself in Potions.

Ron galloped over to Harry on a cold and windy Saturday morning when almost everyone else was in Hogsmeade.

'Harry! I signed up for 'Stars in their Eyes'!'

'Really?' Harry was curious as to why.

'Yeah! I'm doing Hanson!'

'Isn't there more than one person in Hanson?'

Yeah… erm… Harry?'

'No,' Harry said sooner rather than later.

'Please Harry! You don't know how much this means to me.'

'I don't really care, either.'

'Harry please? You don't have to do much, just backing vocals.'

'No.'

Ron thought he could try reverse Psychology.

'Fine. I'll do it by myself.'

'Good.'

'Damn.'

Ron was practising all day and all night for 'Stars in their Eyes' (for the show was on the Tuesday) by singing into Seamus' hairbrush (well, he thought it was his) in front of a full sized mirror, which he'd summoned himself. He was doing pretty well.

Down stairs in the common room, Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy were talking to Harry, rather politely as it happens. Ron came bouncing down being extremely pleased with himself, wearing a large grin.

'What?' asked Draco.

'He's been practising for 'Stars in their Eyes',' said Harry in a sigh.

'Really, and who are you doing?' enquired Draco.

'Hanson, Mmmbop.'

'YOU SHIT!' roared Malfoy. 'I WAS GONNA DO THAT!'

And with that, he stormed out of the common room.'

The night of 'Stars in their Eyes' had arrived, and the entire school was buzzing. This was mainly Neville's fault because he'd accidentally freed twenty two thousand and seven bumblebees in the school, which were his Herbology homework. The show started at half past seven and it was now seven. The audience were entering the specially decorated Great Hall and the acts were all backstage. The hall had a huge stage, which had blatantly been stolen as it said 'Party in the Hogwarts' with a large black ink scribble over the word 'Park' beneath the word 'Hogwarts'. Tiered seating had been put in, although hired from a company called "We Hire You Tiered Seating". Harry sat down with Ginny, Neville and Seamus, who kept asking if anyone knew where his hairbrush was.

The acts were interesting… first on were the Patil twins doing the Cheeky Girls and Harry saw Draco poke his head through the tabs pulling the same face he had done when he called Ron a "shit" for doing Hanson when he wanted to. Next on was Luna Lovegood with her rendition if "We All Live In A Yellow Submarine". It was a bit weird to be honest and she ended up getting heckled so bad she thought the crowd were cheering her on and then she proceeded to do a very weird dance that should only be performed at drunken parties and when the program "Newsround" ends. Ron was on next and Harry thought he did pretty well. He was actually a very good singer! Lavender Brown appeared on stage next portraying the Buggles' "Video Killed the Radio Star", when Draco stuck his head through the curtain again but this time shook his fist in anger. The next act surprised Harry more than he wished to be surprised. Hermione's version of "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis Presley was scarily accurate and frightening. Harry wanted to leave. He also thought that you had to be at least the same sex as the person you were portraying, but never mind. He supposed Hermione was. The next act was a bit scary because Dumbledore was doing "Sweet Child o' Mine" by Guns and Roses. Yes, you use your imaginations.

But last, and probably least, Draco Malfoy was welcomed to the stage. Crabbe and Goyle accompanied him on stage wearing sidewards baseball caps, baggy reebok shell suits and mahusive sunglasses. Malfoy was wearing exactly the same, with the imperative gelled back blonde German hair. The "music" that boomed around the hall was none other than 50 Cent's "It's Ur Birfday" or whatever that song is called. Harry was sure Draco was supposed to be rapping when the music had been playing for about a minute. Instead, him, Crabbe and Goyle were just "gangsta bopping". After a while, Draco began to actually do something.

'Yeah! Erm… Fuck, yeah! … Erm, oh, screw this!'

Draco threw the microphone down onto the stage, which caused a lot of feedback, during which he strolled grumpily off stage. Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle still stood there "gansta bopping". Dumbledore bounced on stage after Draco had left.

'That was truly wonderful! Well done, Mr Malfoy! After Show party in half an hour!'

Dumbledore left the stage.

He returned a few minutes later.

'You can leave now, boys.'

Crabbe and Goyle gansta bopped off stage.


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER 21: The After Show Party!

Harry wondered around the Great Hall as the music from The Rocky Horror Picture Show boomed. More or less the whole room were dancing to the Time Warp in time with each other. Among the most enthusiastic were Ron and Draco. They knew all the moves. It was quite scary really. If they got exceedingly drunk in each other's company, Harry thought that he might never know the world to be normal again.

He saw the Patil twins consciously doing the dance but only very small. They didn't want other people to see them dancing. Beside them Lavender was bent double from laughing and giggling and Harry suddenly became very annoyed with her. He didn't like her and her giggling.

Professor Dumbledore was standing on the staff table doing the dance for Time Warp over-enthusiastically. If he went much further it was a dead curt that he would have a heart attack or something. Next to him was a HUGE bottle of alcohol that Harry was sure wasn't full, and next to that, was something even weirder.

Louise was doing the dance just as enthusiastically as Dumbledore but looking completely sober. Harry reached in his pocket and rubbed the star Louise had given him and thought 'Jemima'. Louise jumped down off the table and pelted towards Harry.

'What do you want?'

'What the hell are you doing here?'

'I got invited.'

'Yeah, but why are you here?'

'I'm having fun if you don't mind!'

Harry tried to retaliate but couldn't so Louise returned to the staff table and began dancing again.

Harry sat down on a chair at the side of the room and massaged his headache. Why was he still here? After pondering this for a while, he heard what seemed to be very angry footsteps wanting to rip his guts out. He looked up and saw Hermione storming towards him.

'WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?' she screamed.

"Blimey, she has some lungs!" Harry thought.

'What?' asked Harry. He had no idea what he was supposed to have done.

'You cursed Malfoy to forget his words!'

'OK, no I didn't, however, had I known I could do that, I probably would have done.'

Hermione screamed at the top of her voice, which no one really cared about but carried on talking and dancing now the Time Warp had finished and Fall Out Boy had taken its place.

'Why do you think I'm STUPID?'

'I… don't…'

'YES YOU DO! I'm not, Harry! I'm smarter than you!'

'To be honest Hermione, I think you're stupid now because you're randomly having a go at me for no reason and what you're saying doesn't even make sense.' It was strange but Harry was calm.

Hermione whipped a drink from the nearest place she could find and threw it over Harry. The whole room stopped. The music seemed to be in horror and unable to speak, the people seemed unable to move because of Hermione's action and everything was completely still, a part from a small voice that came on from the left that said:

'Hey, that's my drink!'


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER 22: THE LINE

The next day was terrible. Well, not for Harry because he stuck with orange juice, but everyone else had gotten rather drunk the night before and a few couldn't even remember the cause for getting drunk. But as it was now Wednesday, the kids were forced to go to lessons.

The Charms teacher, Professor Flitwick wasn't in the classroom when Harry and his chums arrived. All that was there was a note floating around in mid air saying, "Professor Flitwick and Guest are in the Great Hall". So the kids trudged to the Great Hall.

Professor Flitwick was there; with his guest Magic Johnson and they were having an argument at who was better at basketball. The thought of Flitwick even attempting to play basketball amused Harry quite a lot. And he wasn't the only one. A lot of the classmates were looking as confused and as amused as ever. Except Hermione, who was trying to look like she knew what was going on in the Great Hall and as though she wasn't thinking about throwing that drink over Harry the night before.

After an hour of arguing and everyone else just standing around watching, Flitwick and Johnson got to their feet and had a play off. At that moment Fred and George walked around the corner and were taking bets. At the end of the lesson, everyone had been proven wrong. Flitwick had won the play off. 15 baskets to 3 in 12 minutes. The only person to win money was Malfoy but only because he pronounced Magic Johnson wrong.

That night in the common room, Harry was sat by the fire minding his own business, as he did, when Hermione stalked over to him.

'I knew you wouldn't have the bottle to stand up to me yesterday. That's why I did it.'

'What?' Harry yawned.

'Yesterday. THE DRINK.'

'Oh. That.'

'Yeah, embarrassing, eh?'

'Mmm… not really.'

'Well you deserved it. Every last drop. And more.'

'Hermione, you're not making any sense.'

At that moment, Ron picked up Harry's star Louise had given him off the table.

'Hey, what's this?' Ron rubbed the star's centre.

POOF!  
'Hey, Lu,' said Harry, sleepily.

'BONJOUR! HOW ARE YOU?'

'Erm… OK…' Harry had never seen her this happy.

Louise turned and saw Hermione looking at her with disgust.

'Oh dear,' she said, looking at Hermione's clothes. 'Green is so not your colour. I see what you're trying to do but…'

Hermione gasped in self-defence.

'At least I don't walk around in a TUTU and WINGS!' Hermione screeched.

'Oh well, you nailed that one,' said Harry half-heartedly.

'I'm a FAIRY you IDIOT! Piss off! And go sort out that mop!'

Hermione left.

'BLOODY HELL! What kind of school is Dumbledore running these days? There should be more fashion classes! What aren't you HAPPY?' added Louise, striking Harry round the head with her wand with each word.

Harry sighed.

'It's Ginny,' he said at last.

'What? That old slut? What are you worrying about her for?' said Ron with disgust.

Harry frowned.

'She's your sister, Ron.'

'I thought that,' said Louise, 'but I didn't want to say anything,' she said in a whisper. 'Y'know,' she said to Harry's confused expression, 'about the hair,' circling her own head with her wand.

'Yes… but…' said Ron, not knowing what to think about Louise's remark, 'she's a whore. She's sleeping with Draco Malfoy!'

At that, Harry's eyes welded up with tears, and Louise shouted "GAYCO!" at the top of her lungs.

'Yeah… erm… yeah, you knew, Harry.'

'Yeah, but I didn't want to believe it.'

'YOU UPSET MY BABY!' Louise squealed at Ron, jumping in Harry's lap and hugging him. Harry hugged her back and Louise mouthed, "I am so in!" at Ron. Ron just looked confused and ginger throughout the whole thing.

'She's a whore, Harry. You know she is,' Ron said at last.

'Yeah, she is,' cooed Louise in his ear. 'You deserve someone better.'

Harry nodded.

'I do, don't I?' he said, wiping his tears away.

'Yeah,' said Louise and to everyone's great surprise, Harry leaned forward and kissed her. It was so surprising, Ron squeaked and fell of his chair, Fred and George appeared with their arms making "go on my son" arm movements and Hermione came down the stairs and screeched them with at least half a hairbrush sticking out of her hair, and then left again.

'What?' Harry asked the twins.

'Oh… nothing…' they said together and strolled off.

'I bought my wand off those two,' said Louise. 'Very nice guys,' she nodded.

'Yeah…' said Ron, 'erm… come outside, Harry.'

They went outside the common room where there was a huge line of guys that none of them could see the end of.

'What are they doing here?' asked Harry.

'We're here to see Ginny Weasley!' said a second year holding a change purse, excitedly.

'Wha- all of you?'

'Yeah!'

'Why?'

'She's offering her services to people about the school!'

Harry looked shocked.

'Excuse me, mate?'

Harry turned to see a group of Hell's Angels looking at him.

'Does Ginny Weasley live 'ere?'

'Erm… yeah… but you'll have to join the queue,' said Harry, pointing down the hallway.

'Fanks mate,' the ringleader said and the lot of them trudged off.

Harry and Louise looked slowly around at Ron in earnest.

'I cant _wait_ to hear what mum's gonna say when she finds out.'


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER 23: There's a LLAMA IN THE ROOM, MOO MOO MOO

The weekend after that, Harry awoke on Saturday to the smell of bacon chops and porridge. Strange combination he thought, but it still made him waft down stairs to the common room where Ron and Louise had built a campfire and were cooking bacon and porridge. They were sat in the middle of the room with their handmade campfire, because obviously the common room fire was just too simple.

'Well, you can have the bacon because I don't like it. It's skanky,' Louise said.

'OK. I was brought up to eat bacon in my house!'

'I like bacon!' announced Harry, running towards them extremely happily.

At that moment, Ginny limped down the stairs into the common room and sat on a chair next to them.

'Busy night last night?' asked Ron.

Ginny looked quite guiltily at Harry. Who noticed and took it in his pride to lean over to Louise and kiss her very slowly, taking her so much by surprise she branded her wand at him as though it were a sword.

'Sorry,' she said.

'It's alright,' said Harry.

Ginny returned upstairs and was annoyingly replaced by Hermione. She stalked to them and flumped down next to them.

'I'll have some eggs, please. Sunny side up,' she shot at Louise.

Louise glared at her, whilst making her the sunny side up eggs that she asked for. She didn't take her eyes off Hermione at all. Eventually, when the eggs were cooked, Louise flipped them onto her spatula and flung them in Hermione's face.

'Ketchup?'

'No, thank, you,' said Hermione, scooping bits of egg off her face and trying to fish it out of her wild ferret nest that sat not so neatly on her head. She stood up, looked enraged and then started screaming at Louise.

'I HATE YOU! YOU'RE A BITCH! YOU TREAT ME LIKE CRAP FOR NO GOOD REASON! YOU JUST INSULT ME! AND HUMILIATE ME! AND YOU ARE SUCH A TART! YOU CAN GET LONGER TUTUS! AND THAT WAND…' She was really having a dig now, 'THAT ISN'T EVEN A REAL WAND!'

Louise got up and pulled out her wand. She wrapped Hermione round the head with it and then Hermione disappeared in a cloud of smoke and in her place stood a large, bushy, bucktoothed llama mindlessly chewing on it's own hair thinking it was a nest.

'WHAT?' said Louise. 'THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A HAMS- ahhh… it's close enough.' And then she left through the portrait hole.

Draco was slumping down the stairs sleepily.

'Ahhh! Did I miss the Fairy?'

'She has a name!' demanded Harry.

'What is it?'

'Louise.'

'Boobies?'

'LOUISE!'

'Ohhh… Louise… Slightly more normal.'

Louise stuck her head back round the portrait hole.

'Who are you calling normal?' and then left again. But Harry was sure he heard a faint 'GAYCO!' in the background.

'What the HELL?' said Draco. 'Is that a lion?' he said, looking at Hermione.

'It's a llama!' said Ron, disgusted by Draco's lack of knowledge on farm animals.

'A what?'

'It's ugly,' Harry told him so that no one had to describe llamas.

'Very,' agreed Draco.

The llama let out a very annoyed 'hhuummppphhh'.

'What the?' said Draco again. 'Is that retarded Granger in that lion suit?'

'Well, she's not in a suit, she is it.'

'Louise's work,' added Harry.

'It's good!' said Draco.

Harry nodded in agreement.

There was a long pause.

'So…' said Ron. 'You're with my sister?'

'Yeah…' said Draco. 'She's alright. Few nits here and there bu- OW!'

'Hermione!' Ron shouted. 'Stop chewing Draco's t-shirt!'

'Disgusting lion,' muttered Draco, and then he returned to Ginny upstairs.


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER 24: BALDNESS AND FLOBBERWORMS

On the following Monday, Hermione was being extra annoying in Defence Against the Dark Arts. So much so that Harry had to mend his glasses twice after snapping them with rage, Ron was sure he was malting from stress and Professor Stock's orgasmic fits had calmed down substantially. Harry and Ron were walking back up to the common room for lunch with Hermione trailing along.

'Does anyone actually like Louise?' she blurted out rather loudly.

'What?' Harry spun round suddenly on the spot and demanded an explanation from Hermione, whose llama curse had been fixed by Professor McGonagall.

'Does anyone actually like her?' she said again, coolly.

'Yes! Actually,' singed Harry, 'I happen to like her quite a lot!' he said, almost in a shout.

'I like her,' said Ron, calmly.

'There! See! We all like her except you!' Harry turned on his heel and stormed off.

'LLAMA!' Ron shouted, and then followed Harry.

'YOU GINGER, HOMOSEXUAL ARSEHOLE!'

That took it too far. Ron turned where he was, about twenty meters away from Hermione.

'SHUT UP, BALDY!'

'What? I'm not bald…'

'YES YOU ARE!' and Ron flung his wand out and cast a speechless spell at Hermione. A green light soared out of his wand and hit Hermione's head, causing all her hair to fall out. Ron straightened up his jumper and then walked off to the common room.

'Wonderful! Truly amazing, Ron!' Louise startled them as they walked through the portrait hole. 'Well done!'

'Thanks!' said Ron as Harry hugged Louise. 'It was quite fun!'

'I know! I might start up a business!'

'I CALL ASSISSTANT MANAGER!' shouted Ron.

'I CALL SECRETARY!' shouted Harry.

'Why?' asked Ron.

'So then I can sleep with the manager.'

'Oh right.'

At that moment, Draco and Ginny wandered down from upstairs and made their way toward Harry, Ron and Louise.

'GAYCO!'

'BOOB- LOUISE!'

'Have you not been out of bed all day?' asked Ron.

'No,' said Draco.

'Wow…'

Harry hugged Louise again.

'What? Are you two… a thing?' asked Draco?

'Erm…'

'YES!' said Louise.

'Potter,' said Draco in a very cold, deathly way. Much like how he used to.

That afternoon was potions and the back silhouette of Snape was still scaring Harry as he thought it was Debbie Cowap once again.

'Potter?' said Snape. 'Go outside,' he said when Harry looked up.

Harry left, not sure what he had done wrong. But after a while Draco came outside, too, holding a tub of flobberworm guts and a very pleased and evil looking facial expression.

Harry was in the shower, washing off all the evidence of Draco shoving guts down his clothes. "You really have no idea how gross these things are until you've had them tipped down your pants," thought Harry. He was pretty annoyed at Draco, though. He had been fine with him for ages. All of a sudden, there was a loud "POOF!" and a lot of purple smoke had appeared. Louise had emerged holding one hand over her eyes and a Starbucks cup in the other. Harry was taken by so much surprise that he jumped three foot in the air, banged his head quite hard on the shower head and landed on the soap, which caused him to comically slip over and land on his arse and let out a very girly little scream.

'IT'S OK!' shouted Louise. ' IT'S OK! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!'

'Oh, right. So… why are you here..? In the bathroom..?'

'I'VE COME TO WARN YOU!' Louise seemed to think that if she couldn't see Harry, then he couldn't hear her so she was shouted rather loudly. 'SOMEONE'S GOING TO PUT FLOB-'

'That's already happened.'

'DAMMIT! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED FOR COFFEE! I DON'T EVEN LIKE COFFEE! WHAT WAS I THINKING?' And with that, she dropped her hand covering her eyes in order to turn round and leave.

Harry just sat there, rather upset that she hadn't seen his highly muscly body all wet and sexy looking.


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER 25: GASP

The next day, it was Saturday, which severely shocked Harry and he had to be sent to the hospital wing because he thought it was Wednesday. After he had been discharged, he was walking back up to the Gryffindor common room when he realised that it was February and there had not been a single Quidditch match all year. He turned and went to Dumbledore's office to ask him if there could be one.

Dumbledore was bouncing around the room hyper on vodka and cherry drops when Harry walked in.

'YES MISTER POTTER?' asked Dumbledore loudly.

'Can we have a Quidditch match?'

Dumbledore stopped bouncing and paused for a second, looking almost sober.

'YES!'

'Thanks.'

Harry walked out.

On the way back up to the common room, Harry felt he was being watched. He stopped and looked innocently around for a while when Romilda Vane walked out from under the staircase trying to look all pretty and seductive.

'Hi Harry,' she said, with a scarily creepy grin on her face.

'Errr… hi…' said Harry.

Romilda transfigured into what looked like an extremely desperate rapist and her eyes turned to cat eyes. She threw herself at Harry with great force, causing him to fall over. Romilda towered over him, looking as though she may get finally get her "turn" with Harry. Out of nowhere came Ron waving a random stick with a random leaf still attached to the end.

'BACK YOU FIEND! BACK!"

Romilda hissed loudly and backed away into the shadows of the stairs.

At that point, two very drone, monotone commentators, with microphones that weren't working, dragged around the corner, followed by very enthusiastic American tourists with loud shirts and mahusive cameras.

'And on the left we can see a young Mister Potter having just had one the of the most frightening experiences of his life.'

'How very exciting?'

This was followed by a murmur of amazement of the American tourists and unnecessarily large flashed coming from their unnecessarily large cameras.

Draco Malfoy turned the opposite corner at his moment, only to be severely shocked by the cameras and shirts, causing him to run around at top speed with his arms held out in front, eyes open wide, screaming: "I'm temporarily blind!" over and over again.

'And we also see Draco Malfoy trying to be the centre of attention.'

'Again.'

'I'M NOT LIKE IN THE BOOKS, YOU KNOW!' Draco screamed, still running with his arms held out. 'J.K ROWLING. SHE LIES!'

There was a loud gasp from the American tourists, although the commentators didn't seem bothered at all. Professor Stock rounded the corner.

'OH! CAMERAS!' he declared, and ran to pull over enthusiastic poses for the cameras.

'OH MY GOD.'

They all turned to see Hermione standing there with a large disapproving face. One of the commentators rose his microphone to his mouth.

'And on the right, a pompous arse stands with hair to big for her hairbrush.'

'So she doesn't use one.'

'YOU TWO ARE THE MOST FOUL THINGS THAT EVER WALKED THE PLANET!'

The commentators just looked at her.

'I thought I was,' said Harry.

'Shut up, Harry.'

Harry gasped deeply.

'No.'

'What?'

'You heard me. NO!'

Hermione looked like she was about to growl.

'Miss Granger revs up at Harry in an effort to maintain control.'

'Even her hair is going red with fury. Did I say hair? I meant nest.'

Harry looked at Hermione. The commentators looked at Hermione. The American tourists looked at Hermione. Professor Stock looked at Hermione. Draco looked at Hermione. Ron looked at pigeon that had perched itself outside. He wondered if it had rabies.

All of a sudden, Hermione had returned to her llama form. Louise came out of the shadows, blowing her smoking wand as if she had just won a battle. Everyone gasped except Ron. Who, when he heard everyone else gasp, turned and let out a very fake, unconvincing gasp.

'Well thank God that ferret nest is a bit tamer. Though with slightly more split ends…' said Louise. 'Who's for pizza?'

'Oh, me! I am!' said Harry.


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER 26: I'M THE FRIGGIN' PROTAGONIST!

Harry still thought it was seven o'clock PM when breakfast popped up on the table. Still drunk from the night before with his tie tied round his head and with his red and purple camouflage make-up still in perfect condition, got up and waddled his way off to Gryffindor Tower. When he got there, he recognised none of the portraits or any of the people, really, and wondered why everything was green and had snakes on. He left the Slytherin common room with two black eyes, a bleeding lip, a chipped rib and a hairless chest thanks to Goyle and his waxing kit he got for Christmas, 'though Harry was sure that was meant for girls…

He spent the entirety of that day sleeping off his hangover, which Ron didn't help with as he found it necessary to pelt out 'All By Myself' at full volume and then conjure up an audiences' applause every time he did so.

At five o'clock, Harry got up and went down stairs where he saw Ron and Draco deep in conversation.

'So what I said then was…' said a business-like Draco to a deeply listening Ron, 'was to go fuck himself and never speak to me like that again. Honestly, the things I put up with! You'd think I was some sort of villain in this story or something. Whereas really, I'm the main part! I'm the one the audience thrives for. I'm the one all the girls want. Not Harry!'

'MALFOY!' shouted Harry. 'What the fuck are you on about! I'm the protagonist in this story, not you, not Ron, me. Know why? 'Cause I sell merchandise!' And with that, Harry left in a grump.

Two girls came into the common room carrying Harry Potter figurines looking very pleased with themselves.

'Er, where did you get them from?' asked Draco, loudly. 'And why don't you have a me?' He was furious.

The girls ran off crying while Draco was left there, breathing like an angry bull.

'Oh, he's right. He is so much better than me.'

And with that, Draco left with his chin held high.

Later that evening, Harry had returned to the common room in great disguise (i.e. one of those glasses, nose and moustache doo dads and a hat. Never underestimate the power of the hat! He was still wearing his Gryffindor robes and his hoodie with "Potter" written on the back he got during the Tri Wizard Tournament. He likes it, OK!). He walked stalkingly up to Ron and said

'The red haddock flies at midnight.'

To which, Ron leapt out of his chair, beat Harry 'round the head with his rolled up magazine shouting "WHO ARE YOU? IMPOSTER!"

'Ron, it's me. HARRY.'

'Oh, why are you in disguise?'

Harry took a breath in as if to tell Ron, but then stopped and wondered why he was in disguise. It meant nothing, really. So he took off the glasses, nose and moustache. But he kept the hat. He thought it made him look swarve.

Draco came in, his eyes swelled up with tears and he couldn't help himself. He went up to Harry and gave him a big, girly hug, whilst fighting back big, manly tears, of course. He sat down next to him and looked at him like he would a hero. Harry was slightly scared at this point and rubbed on his magic star he had in his pocket. Louise the Cheeze appeared with the background music that goes "Let's get it oooonnnn…(it's in Austin Powers 2)"

'Ooohh, Harry,' she said, dreamily. 'You are so perfect.'

She leapt into his lap and kissed his head. Well, she practically started making out with his head, actually.

'Hi,' said Harry.

'OH!' said Louise with a start. 'I have NEWS on Mouldyshorts' residence!'

She handed him a small piece of parchment on which an address was written.

'"17 Pansy Avenue".' Harry read. 'Ok… then…'

'Yes, I thought that was weird at first, but he's living in his Grandma's old house,' said Louise.

'He didn't have a Grandma,' said Draco.

'What?' said Louise.

'He didn't have one. His mum's mum died before he was born and his dad's mum was a muggle so he killed her when she was really young. He didn't have a Grandma.'

'So…'

'That's HIS house,' said Draco. 'And all his Horcruxes will be there, too. But he's cunning, so they won't all be stored in the same place.'

'If he's cunning,' challenged Ron, 'then why has he got his Horcruxes at his house?'

'Because he knows Harry's after them.'

'You seem to know a lot on this subject, Draco…' said Stock, suspiciously.

Everyone jumped when they saw him.

'What? I've been here for ages. I came in with the llama.'

He pointed at a llama in the middle of the common room chewing on it's hair. Harry, Ron and Draco looked at Louise who was trying her best to look innocent.

'DRACO KNOWS TOO MUCH ABOUT MOULDYSHORTS!' she shouted.

'Yeah!' said Ron.

'Well of course I do!' he said. 'My father is a deatheater!'

'Well then how do we know we can trust you?' asked Ron.

'BECAUSE I'M SHAGGING YOUR FUCKING SISTER!' he screamed.

'I see…' said Professor Stock.

'So,' said Ron, 'I march into his house, and slaughter that good for nothing arsehole!'

'Excuse me, Ron!' said Harry, 'I'm the hero, I'll do the slaughtering, thank you very much.'

Ron looked deeply hurt but tried to conceal it. He looked like he was doing an impression of a frog, for some reason.

'What shall happen is:' said Louise, 'I shall go to his house, pretend to be selling something… like, erm… personalised certificates…'

'Certificates?'

'Yes… and then I shall karate chop him round the neck, punch him in the face, break a metal chair over the back of his head and then strangle him to death.'

'And, erm… where do I come in this?' asked Harry.

'You don't,' said Louise, shortly.

'What? I'm the friggin' protagonist in this friggin' story!'

'Awww! You look so cute when you're angry!' cooed Louise.

'I'm the protagonist! I'm Harry Potter! I have the scar! Not any of you! Me! I sell merchandise, dammit!'

'Oh yeah,' said Draco, 'you can buy a Harry Potter doll for 74pence off eBay.'

'Oh! Thanks!' said Harry and he ran off.


	28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 27: THE NOTE

School on Monday was dismal. More dismal than when I have to suffer going to my cousins' for an entire day. Yes folks, more dismal than that! Well, no… about the same, actually. But then, at least it was the last week before half term. YAY!

Defence Against the Dark Arts was the only relatively good lesson of the day. Harry laughed for the entire double lesson as Ron continued to do stupid things without realising. One time, he was leant on his elbow being bored and minding his own business, when he leant on his wand and it went up his nose. Harry, being incredibly bored, also, didn't tell Ron his wand was up his nose. He walked around the room looking for parchment with his wand just staying there, and this was only pointed out by Goyle, who was like:

'Oi! Draco! Ginger Nuts has got a wand up his ars- I meant nose.'

Draco, Harry and especially Professor Stock were very annoyed this had been pointed out and each swore they'd murder Goyle with their bare hands. Goyle, being dumb and not knowing what 'murder' meant, just smiled politely and said:

'Thank you!'

When Harry and Ron got back to the dormitory after lessons, they saw an envelope on Ron's bed, addressed to him in very pretty handwriting.

'Awww! That is so pretty! So artistic. So… It belongs in a museum!'

Harry nodded in agreement and looked upon it, delicately.

Ron turned the envelope over, ripped it open with all his might and threw it on the floor.

'"_Dear Ron"' _he read. '"_I am writing to inform you that I find you deeply attractive. Your eyes are like deep, soul filled oceans I wish I could glaze into. You're so kind, caring and warm, you just make me collapse when I see you. I love you, so much._

_PS. The gingerness doesn't bother me._

_Well, it does a bit, but I can see past it."_

RUDE!' added Ron.

'Well, most girls couldn't see past I,' Harry pointed out.

'Past what?' asked Ron.

'The gingerness.'

'I wasn't talking about my gingerness!' shouted Ron. 'I was talking about the fact that they put girly perfume on the note. What do they think? I get off on this stuff or something!'

Harry was about to talk but then saw that he probably wasn't going to win this fight, or at least he didn't want to. So he just walked off and got changed. Well, he striped down to his underwear and then found that someone had hidden his clothes so he had to search the castle for more. In his underwear. Yes.

While he was gone, Ron wandered over to Harry's bedside table, and found his magic star. He rubbed it, for no apparent reason. Well, finding out who sent the letter would have been good.

A few hours later, Harry returned, all battered and bruised to find Ro and Louise wearing detectives' outfits, magnifying glass things and moustaches. Harry could also swear he heard Ron call Louise "Sherlock".

'Oooh! Harry!' said Louise in an old England accent.

'How progresses the day?' asked Ron, which Harry was sure he'd heard him say before.

'I just had to fight another dragon, just to get a pair of trousers!'

He pointed at his trousers, which were baggy jeans, all ripped and torn.

'But unfortunately the dragon didn't have a top so I'll have to walk around topless for a while.'

'Oh, what a shame.' Louise said, staring at Harry's chest, 'though Harry didn't seem to notice. 'What happened to your clothes?' she asked, trying to sound sympathetic.

'Someone stole them,' he said.

'I see…' she replied, still interested in his naked torso.

Ron saw Louise was looking at Harry and started to look, too.

'Ok Ron, I don't mind Louise looking at me like that, but you're a GUY.'

'What? OH! Right… erm… sorry,' he said, and turned round.

There was a long pause.

It was a long pause indeed.

Very long in fact.

'Harry, what do nipples do?' asked Ron.

'What? Ron, I don't know what nipples do!' He looked at Louise. 'Well, mine give Lu pleasure, but in general, I don't know what they do.'

'Oh,' said Ron, disappointed slightly. 'So, Louise, who do you think sent this letter?'

'Erm…' she said, still staring at Harry, who was now pulling body-builder type poses for her.

'Harry, piss off for a bit?'

Harry sighed and walked out.

'Right!' said Louise. 'I think, due to all the supporting evidence, this being the pink stationary with hearts on it, the perfume, the loopy, squirly hand writing… the only suitable suspect really, is… well, Seamus. Naturally. I don't know why you didn't think of it sooner.'

Ron looked very confused at Louise and also as if she was talking complete bollocks. Which, indeed she was.

'What?' asked Louise.

'We've just spent two hours looking at all this stuff. Identifying writing, linking things using actual SCIENCE, and you're telling me it was SEAMUS!'

'Yeah,' said Louise.

Ron looked confused.

'HARRY!'

Harry came running upstairs and burst into the dormitory.

'Yeah?'

'Your fairy's broken.'


	29. Chapter 29

CHAPTER 28: Return of the Niiiige!

Harry was sat in the common room in the evening of the first Wednesday of the Easter Holidays, reflecting on the events that had happened over the past term. Louise and Ron had stopped talking to each other thanks to Ron's rather mean comment. Although, Louise did sometimes talk to Ron in an impression of Hermione by saying:

'Ronald,' rather sourly.

Talking of Hermione, she and Ernie Macmillan of Hufflepuff had been found getting kinky in a broom cupboard, by Harry who was innocently looking for his owl, since she had been terrified by flying in on Draco trying on his new Matalan underwear his mother had sent him. Draco and Ginny had broken up because Ginny wanted to see other people, although Draco (and everyone else, for that mater) was under the impression she was seeing other people during their relationship, anyway. She'd hooked up with Slytherin, Will Howells who had mahusive lips and girl hair. Will Howells was Hogwarts' equivalent to Barry Scott, except he wasn't the spokes model for Cillit Bang and he was very snobby and thought he was better than everyone else. So, he was in actual fact, nothing like Barry Scott at all.

So, all in all, it had been quite eventful. However, Charms was still boring. And so was History of Magic. Potions was hard to live in as Snape kept setting four foot essays just to piss Harry off (he knew this as everyone else got one foot essays). And also, just to piss Hermione off in Defence Against the Dark Arts, Stock set everyone else essays, whereas she had to write five, short, one-sentence facts on the subject at hand. This made Harry laugh. It really did.

As he sat there, he heard the portrait swing open slowly and quietly. Harry slide down his chair and peeked around the side of it into the deserted room. He saw a shadowy figure all in black emerge through the portrait hole and close it carefully. Harry turned back around and though to himself. _Right you sexy hero, there's an intruder and he's going to kill everyone you love. And maybe Hermione. Oh, that would be good…. Hopefully he'll kill her first. NO! he's going to kill Ron first! And then you! He's evil. He's probably on a mission from Mouldyshor- I mean Voldemort. It could be Lucius! It could be one of Crabbe or Goyle's parents! It could be Aunt Marge! Oh no, she's much bigger… It's up to you to stop him! You could get a medal! Or a cup! Or more love from the general public! Come on, Harry! Come on…_

Harry got up and edged his way quietly up to behind the random guy who'd just come through the door. He was a bit smaller than Harry. And on closer inspection, he was wearing black Converse All Stars, black drainpipe jeans, a black skinny-fit t-shirt and his hair was all spiky at the back. Harry raised his hands above his head, and then brought his knee quickly up into this guy's arse. From then on, every second or so, Harry hit this guy hard and within half a minute, the guy was curled up in a ball on the floor. Harry stood a meter away from him with his hands in the air and his knee raised.

'Hi-yooooorrrr… Hiiiiiii-orrrrrrrrrr… Haaaaaaayorrrrrrhaaaaa… Hi-Nigel?'

Ron had come down in his footie pajamas and turned on the lights.

'Yes?' squeaked the ball.

Nigel was the guy in the fourth book/film who brought Ron his mail if he got him Harry's autograph.

'Sorry,' said Harry, helping him up. 'I thought you were an intruder.'

'Well, if I were, you'd have definitely stopped me from intruding anymore.'

Nigel had just got to his feet, shaking, when Harry hit him round the shoulder.

'Thanks mate! Oh, sorry,' he said, helping him up again.

'NIIIIIIGE!' said Ron.

'Ronaaaalllld!' said Nigel.

'How's the emo going?' asked Ron.

'Well, all the chavs hate me, and I've been called a metla 265 times today… so, I'd say it was going pretty well!'

'Excellent! Have you been camera whoring for your myspace?'

'Oh yes! And making them all broody and black and white with photoshop!'

'Wonderful!'

Harry, who had been standing there looking overly confused, said,

'Huh?'

'Nigel's become emo, Harry.'

'Emo?'

'Yeah! Look at him! Check out his tight, black clothes, his thick, black glasses and his flat hair at the front but spiky at the back. Black, also!'

Harry looked observing for a moment, and then went upstairs. He came back down five minutes or so later completely transformed. His hair was black, long gelled flat with a side parting at the front and short and spiky at the back. HE had a tight black t-shirt on, baring the saying "Hermits Have No Peer Pressure" and tight black drainpipes held up by a baby pink belt with silver studs on. His Converse All Stars were old and worn but also baby pink with white laces that had cup cakes on them. He stood in front of Ron and Nigel whose mouths were hanging open. Harry took out a digital camera and started camera whoring with it, pulling broody poses.

At that moment, Louise popped in holding a sheep bag and pulling a very surprised expression at Harry.

'Hey!' said Harry.

Louise took a running jump and pounced onto Harry.

'Where do you want to Honeymoon?' she asked.

Harry smiled at her. Louise pulled out her wand, magiced up a tent around them and a sign that said,

"Baby Making in Progress"

Ron and Nigel ran faaaaaaarrrr away. Well, upstairs.

But still.


	30. Chapter 30

CHAPTER 29: A LIFE IS GIVEN UNTO US

For the next few days, Louise didn't leave the castle. She told everyone that she wasn't letting Harry out of her sight because, after all, she was carrying his baby.

She charged through the corridors with a Quaffle up her top screaming,

'MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! WOMAN PREGNANT WITH AN ILLEGITIMATE LOVE CHILD COMING THROUGH!'

She tried to bash everyone she could with her 'bump' and used every situation she could to draw attention to the facts a) she slept with Harry and b) she was 'pregnant'.

'Can I be the baby's godfather when it gets christened?' asked Ron, on Friday evening when he, Harry and Louise were sat by the fire in the Gryffindor common room.

'NO!' said Louise. 'I'm not letting my child sight to THAT,' she pointed at his hair, 'until he's at least twenty nine!'

Ron looked sad for a moment but tried to cover it up by asking Harry if he thought of any names for his child.

'No,' said Harry. 'I'm going to see what he looks like.'

Ron pondered for a while.

'What if he looks like a llama?' he said, trying to be smart.

'He's not going to look like a llama!'

'Well, how do you know?'

'Because I didn't shag Hermione!'

'Oh…'

Louise just looked appalled by the fact that Ron could possibly think that her baby would look like a llama.

There was a short pause of which only the clicking of Louise's knitting needles could be heard. She was knitting what appeared to be a woollen mug, although she insisted it was a baby-grow.

'I hate you, Ron!' she said, after a while.

'Oh, for God's sake,' said Harry, and he went upstairs.

'What?' protested Ron. 'Why?'

'Because you're the most annoying, most hurtful, most insensitive, most… GINGER person I know!'

'I didn't even do anything!'

'You treat me like crapola!' Louise retaliated. 'I'm your best friend's wife! Be a bit nicer to me!'

'You're not his wife!' said Ron. 'And I don't even know what I did!'

'Ohhhh! I hate it when people act innocent when they know full well what they've done!' Louise screamed and she torn the Quaffle out from under her top and threw it at Ron's head.

Ron collapsed to the floor, slipping in and out of consciousness. Louise looked stunned. She could barely move. She edged over to where Ron lay and knelt down beside him.

'Oh my God,' she said in a whimper. 'I've… I've… I'VE GIVEN BIRTH!'

She picked up the Quaffle, turned and ran up the stairs to Harry.

'HARRY! I'VE GIVEN BIRTH! I'VE HAD OUR BABY! WE'RE PARENTS!'

Harry stared at the Quaffle.

'Oh, My… GOD!'

He jumped up and down in excitement.

'He's so beautiful! He's so perfect!'

'We'll call him Phillip…'

'…John…'

'…Edgar…'

'…Rupert…'

'Conway-Potter!'

Louise smiled and her eyes welded up with tears.

A few days later, the entire school was in the Great Hall eating breakfast. Dean Thomas had taken place opposite Harry and Louise, next to Ron.

'That is really creepy, you know,' said Dean as he watched Harry and Louise tried to spoon-feed Phillip Co Co Pops.

Louise had put her home made baby-grow on the Quaffle and duct taped a rattle to one side. She'd also stuck googly eyes on where it's face should be.

Harry gasped as if Dean had suggested that he marry Professor Umbridge, instead of just stating the obvious.

'Harry…' said Ron, 'It's just, a Quaffle.'

'HOW DARE YOU!' shouted Harry at Ron, just as Seamus sat down on the other side of Ron.

'Hey, everyone!' he said in his overly Irish accent.

Ron looked very scared in the direction of Seamus.

'Hey,' continued Seamus, appearing not to have noticed Ron, 'has anyone scene my pink scented stationary set? Only I seem to have misplaced it.'

Ron let out a small whimper as he saw Louise give him an "I told you so" smile. He got up and ran top speed out of the Great Hall. Although, he returned a few seconds later to collect his Shreddies and then he was off again!


End file.
